Who Am I in the Eyes of God

   

    So this came up on my Facebook feed and my God, did it resonate powerfully with me. This is the very thing that my Psych 101 class taught me. There was a list in the textbook of common character/personality traits for people who have survived what I have survived and it was a f*cking checklist for me. I was horrified and suddenly believed everyone could tell what I'd gone through. I mean I was clearly in the textbook, plain as day.
    With all this said, a question came to mind last night after seeing this: how am I supposed to identify as a child of God when I feel as though every facet of me was sculpted by trauma? How do I separate my identity of trauma from the way God sees me, from who I am in the eyes of God? And do I even have to? Because perhaps every one of these facets of my character are seen as necessary for God's vision for me. I was told during a channeled session that every part of my path is holy. And if I am to believe that fully and whole heartedly, then I should be able to accept that every part of my character is holy. I've even begun applying this to every part of my body that I have ever been uncomfortable with or ashamed of. Every part of my body is holy.
    This may sound absolutely insane, but what is more insane is that my body dysphoria has made me come to the conclusion that I am gender-fluid. I don't want to be either gender. Now imagine that even your identity has been affected by trauma and you can begin to get an inking as to why I keep grieving the past. Every thing that I judged myself for and disliked about myself stemmed from one pivotal event and it made it so easy for me to hate the path I've been on in this life. But with that said, none of these posts are supposed to bury you or me in the feeling of pity. I know that I am supposed to use my trauma to help bring about a change in this world. I also know that in so many ways my life has been absolutely beautiful, warts and all.

God Shall See Me Through

    For quite some time now, I have allowed my fear of the "what if's" to stop me from taking action. What if my old grief overwhelms me again and sabotages my success? What if new grief overwhelms me and sabotages my success? For example the loss of one or both of my parents... But now I am hearing "The strength of God's vision for you will pull you through. This is not your vision, but God's vision and He will not let you fail. The strength of God's vision and the power of God's provision will see you through." And this came just a few days after hearing that once you receive the vision, it already is. Or in other words, once you've aligned yourself with God's vision for you, everything you need to reach it has also been aligned. I cannot express my relief at that realization. I can feel the truth of it wholly right now and I am so grateful for that. I've known for some time that I don't have to have all the answers in order to move forward, but now I feel the reality of that statement and I am breathing out a huge sigh of relief.

There are so many things that I seem to understand,
but many of the brilliant ideas I write out
have yet to be internalized.
I know that I chose this life,
I have recognized that mere fact
means that I have never been powerless.
I know that my painful past serves a greater purpose
and that my depth of gratitude
and my effortless embrace
of every small pleasure
is due to my deep wounding.
I know that I am not meant to be a martyr, or to live small.
But this knowledge so far,
has only been held in the conscious mind.
So my heart and my unconscious mind
have been vehemently rebelling against all of these truths.
The lies I had been taught in early childhood
settled firmly into my mind and body, and took root in my heart.
This was illustrated whenever I searched
for feelings of self-love, worthiness, and deservingness.
Not only did I repeatedly fail to reach those feelings,
but my total disbelief
in my lovability and deservingness caused me to cry inconsolably.
When you are treated like trash by your own biological parents,
you believe that it must be because you are trash.
Convincing myself otherwise has been a tough journey that,
in all honesty, I am probably still on.
But at least now I feel God's support
more than ever before, and I am ready to take action.
Though I may not be done grieving my past,
I finally feel certain that God won't let that burden stop me.
So let me end by saying:
Thank you God. Thank you God. Thank you God.

A Calloused Soul (and other pieces)

A Calloused Soul
I want the world to know
that sometimes I am tired of being strong.
I want the world to know
of the murky waters from which I've sprung.
I want the world to see
how I have defied the odds
like a flower sprouting through concrete.
I want the world to see
the depths of my calloused soul
in the words I write and in the stories I share.
I want the world to know
that though I have felt like many things in my life,
human was never one of them.

This is not me saying "woe is me".
This is me saying it is time
for me to be proud of how far I have come.
This is me saying it is time for me to be proud
of the journey I have had thus far.
This is me saying it is time
for me to be proud of myself
for allowing the harsh realities of the world
to prompt endless kindness from me.
This is me saying it is time for me
to love myself for carrying the belief
that no one should suffer as I have.
It is time for me to love myself
for always giving the world my heart and soul
even as it tried to burn me to the ground.
I am still learning how to embrace those feelings
since I fear losing my humility.
I do not wish to place myself on a pedestal
and so I tend to fall back into martyrdom.
But today, I am ready to learn self-love.
Today I am ready to learn how to be proud of myself.

Hoodwinked
My ego has kept me hoodwinked;
I cannot yet see the full potential
buried in my soul.
And I acknowledge the fact that
I, my eternal self, chose a life
in which I would lose sight of myself.
So let me proclaim here and now
that I am ready to remove my blindfold
and see the truest version of me.
Let me proclaim here and now
that I am ready to remove my blindfold
and see the ceaseless flame
that burns within my soul.
Let me brazenly shine my light
into the deepest, starless night.

Dear God, I Am Tired
Dear God, I am tired of being strong.
Please let me rest in Your loving arms.
Please allow the "hush of heaven to hold my heart today"*.
Dear God, I am tired of holding my head up.
So may I please rest peacefully in Your divine embrace.
Please let me rest a while so that when I rise again,
I will have the energy to continue my transformation.
Grant me the courage to love myself exactly as I am.
Grant me the courage to embrace all of my perceived flaws
and to see them, instead, as Your gifts to me.

*A quote pulled from A Course in Miracles

"Wisdom" is the Coming Dawn

"Hope" is the thing with feathers -
That perches in the soul -
And sings the tune without the words -
And never stops - at all -

And sweetest - in the Gale - is heard -
And sore must be the storm -
That could abash the little Bird
That kept so many warm -

I've heard it in the chillest land -
And on the strangest Sea -
Yet - never - in Extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.
--Emily Dickinson

The poem above came to me twice in one evening, so I am obliged to use it as today's inspiration.

"Wisdom" is the Coming Dawn

"Wisdom" is the thing with leaves -
that sits and waits in silence -
and settles in the soul -
and lends to us its guidance.

"Courage" is the thing with scales -
that alights within the heart -
And has a breath of fire -
that tears our fears apart.

"Dreams" are the things with petals -
that sprout forth from fertile ground -
And blossom in the sun -
which no sum of rain could drown.

"Freedom" is the thing with wings -
that flies forever through the skies -
showing us the bird's eye view - 
of our patchwork lives.

"Wonder" is the thing which sings -
and dances in our hearts -
That lifts us when we're feeling down -
and returns to us our spark.

"Wisdom" is the coming dawn -
that illuminates the silence -
and settles in the soul -
To lend to us its guidance.

Remembering Myself

Mother, Father, God, Great Spirit, Our Creator,
I invite you and I invoke you into my mind, body and soul.
May my mind be cleared,
my body be purified,
and my soul be cleansed
while I release my tears.
For I wish to declare that in this moment of divine release,
I am making room for Your love, dear God.
In this moment of divine release,
I am letting go of the idea that I was never good enough to receive Your love, dear God. While I let Your love and light move through me,
I am opening to, receiving, and accepting Your unconditional loving compassion
so that I may share it with myself.
For too long, dear God, I have not been able to remember my intrinsic worth,
I have not been able to remember that I was loved and cherished as a beloved child of God. But today, in this moment, as I release these blessed tears,
I am beginning to remember my innocence,
my deservingness,
and that I am a deeply cherished and beloved daughter of God.
With the release of these blessed tears,
I let go of the false beliefs of my miseducation,
I let go of all the ways people convinced me of my inferiority
and replace these misperceptions with the Divine and Holy truth,
that I am loved, wholly and completely, by Mother, Father, God;
The truth that I have never been abandoned by my angels.
While releasing these blessed tears,
I take this moment to unlearn what the world has taught me,
and instead accept the assurance of Mother God.
She assures me that Her love never left me.
She assures me that there is nothing I could ever do or say
to become undeserving of Her love or to make Her stop loving me.
She adds that no experience, no matter how devastating,
is proof that Her love has ceased flowing to me.
Just as a parent's love for their child could never cease,
neither could the love of Mother God.
I thank God for allowing me to shed these tears
along with all the falsehoods I had once accepted as true.
Today marks a new day.
I shall no longer believe myself unworthy, unclean, or deeply flawed.
I shall now see myself as the Wholly Holy, Cherished,
and Beloved daughter of Mother, Father, God surrounded by
and protected by angels on all sides.
I am perfect, whole, and complete and always was.
I am loved, loving, and lovable, and always was.
I am a divine being and always was.

We Women

We women are divine and powerful in our own right.
We are divine in our gentleness
and we are powerful in our stillness.
We are divine in our compassion
and powerful in our courage.
And above all,
we are divine in our vulnerability
and powerful in our ability to overcome.
For it is through these means
that we bring medicine to those who suffer,
it is through these means
that we gently apply a salve
over the wounds of the world.

Women have the capacity
to hold a space of healing
for suffering in all its forms,
for we know,
often from walking through our own fires,
what is needed to heal.
Yes, suffering belongs to all humanity,
and therefore the potential to heal others belongs to all,
however,
a woman's perceived vulnerability
makes her quiet presence
more apt at providing comfort;
It is in a woman's gentle stillness
that the restless, wounded souls are soothed.

Women who turned their trials and tribulations into fertilizer,
who thrust their roots deep into the darkness that once surrounded them
and pushed themselves out of the manure...
women who came out of the firestorms of life
with buckets of wisdom and water
ready to quell the fires around others...
they are the strongest, fiercest, and bravest of healers.
We women are divine and powerful in our own right.
We women are strong and courageous in our own right.

To My Newest Angel

    I wish you could have said goodbye to us, but I am glad we could say our goodbyes. I wish we could have done more, but in my heart, I know we did all we could. I wish we could have given you a big enough reason to stay, but understand why you wanted to let go. Ninety-eight years and eleven months is one hell of a run. Thank you for inspiring us with your strength and will power. Thank you for sharing your stories, your humor, and your boundless love with us. You will be sorely missed, but we know you are having a reunion of your own up there. Your memory will be cherished forever. You've been our hero, our patriarch. You lived to be a great-great grandfather. As sad as we are that you departed we are glad that you are no longer in pain, we are glad that you have returned home to be surrounded by the loved ones you had lost. Our love for you will live on forever; what you taught us will be passed down through generations; we will immortalize you through our words and actions. 

To Show the World

My mettle has been tested by fire.
My courage has been tested by trials.
My strength and adaptability
by countless emotional wringers.
I may not look like a survivor,
but we have always known
that looks can be deceiving.

I've surmounted my own personal tragedy
and the attempted suicide of an older brother.
I've experienced unthinkable, unimaginable trials and triumphs.
I may not look like a bold and daring globetrotter
but we know better than to judge a book by its cover.

I look like a nobody; average height
(but on the short side),
slender build, straight brown hair.
No heads ever turned my way due to beauty or homeliness
and I preferred it that way.
Being invisible meant that I could not be harmed.

But I will stand in the shadows no more.
I shall claim my voice
and accept its power to comfort, to heal.
I know my mettle,
I know myself to be courageous, strong, and adaptable
for I have proven it time and time again.
I want my words to give the voiceless their voice back.
I want my actions to inspire others to empower themselves,
to remind them that they have never been powerless.
I want to show the world
the colors and the richness
of my unbroken courage.
I want to show the world how to dream big;
how to build a dream so grand, so monumental,
that it counters the heavy burdens of one's past.
I find it important to throw yourself
into something bigger than yourself
to overcome grief, heartache, and sorrow
I want to show the world
how to allow themselves to make peace
with a past that never held peace.

To Find A Cure

    Despite what I have been writing the last few days, a whole lot of things have been weighing on my mind simultaneously that I did not want to write because I have already written my misery out in a thousand different ways and I didn't want to write it out in a thousand more. I will say that I want my suffering to serve a purpose and that purpose to serve the world. I know I don't need to dwell on the past any more. I want to wake up one day and remember how to live. How to fully live in the present, how to let the passing thoughts pass without engaging them for too long. Our minds can either be a prison or a garden for planting our dreams and watching them grow...and until recently, my mind was becoming a prison again. Anyway, with that I will try to begin my meditative writing practice and see what I come up with.

I feel like I have to think big
and have enormous dreams
or else my past will continue
to have the power to imprison me.

I need to believe, with my entire
heart, mind, and soul,
that I can give my suffering meaning,
give it purpose
and that purpose will serve the world.

Why else would I have had such hardships,
if not to give the world something better?
I want to find the cure to my suffering,
to our suffering...
and to then administer it to those who are ready.

I've faced thoughts of death.
I've faced the height of self-flagellation
and self-sacrifice.
I was equal parts ready to give up
and ready to surmount and overcome;
Simply because I didn't want my story to end that way;
I wanted a chance to write a better ending for myself.
So I have dreamed BIG.

Since I have made it this far,
I feel it is only fair to share
how I have progressed.
Firstly, believe in your capacity to heal yourself,
but be aware that the process is not linear;
do not get discouraged when you feel
as though you have backtracked.
Know that crying and raging
are forms of emotional release;
express them safely and without self-judgement.

Secondly, be willing to accept help from others;
everyone is trying to heal themselves
and your friends may have more to offer than you expect.
Work on accepting compliments;
start with just saying 'thank you'
even if you can't believe the compliments yet.

Keep climbing, keep searching, keep growing.
Keep acquiring tools to add to your toolbelt.
You will undoubtedly feel like Sisyphus
pushing a boulder up a steep mountain day after day,
yet I assure you, the daily effort is worth it;
People, places, and circumstances
are going to begin triggering you less and less.

Granted, I admit,
Even I have a ways to go yet.
I have yet to feel the divinity of my womanhood,
I have yet to feel divine, sacred, and cherished. 
I still find it hard to wholly believe these things;
but I know that I am divine, sacred, and cherished
and that one day I will feel the truth in that statement.
I find that it always takes time
for your heart to catch up to the knowledge in your mind. 

When Daydreams Become Real

     Looking back, the most extraordinary thing occurred to me in the midst of all my mental anguish. Whenever I thought about dying so I could start my life over with a childhood free of trauma, two positive whisperings interrupted my melancholy. One being, "What are you talking about? After your adoption in January of 1999, your childhood experiences were pretty damn close to idyllic. Sure there were exceptions and they may have stung more for you due to the half-remembered misery of the past, but you and your sister had 7 acres of open farmland to explore, to go sledding on, or to wander down a meandering creek in the woods." The second was, "What if I, somehow, get a chance to hike the Appalachian Trail? I've got to stick around to find out." And lo and behold, that dream of through-hiking the trail came true about 5 years later in 2016. Aside from not knowing (at the time of these musings) whether or not I'd ever get started, I felt certain that once my hike began, I would be able to complete the whole challenge barring any major injury or illness.

    I'm sharing this, because at the moment, I have another very profound and far-reaching dream that I hope with all my heart will also come true. This dream first washed over me in 2018 while in England and it seemed to be a vision God shared with me; it feels just as real and tangible some days as the dream I had of hiking the famous 2,000 mile trail. My hope is that by the time I've gotten my masters and/or PhD, that I will be able to create a job that doesn't currently exist. A job in which I'd be helping children and teachers alike. A job that will allow me to continue healing from my own childhood experiences. And this wonderful experience will be entirely different from any other because I will have truly found my voice and feel unashamed of speaking my truth. I would have become so full of self-assurance that the words and actions of others that would have triggered me back into invisibility would do nothing more than sting. I really hope that I am speaking and writing this into existence.

A Little Bit of Medicine

    "For when you embrace your medicine you not only heal yourself, you become the healing that is needed in the world around you... Open your soul to the world, and live your medicine. Only then will you fulfill your highest potential; your true divine purpose." --Kristin Smith

Dear Mother, Father, God,
I open my heart to Your divine loving presence.
Dear Mother, Father, God,
I open my soul to Your infinite wisdom and perfect guidance.
I invite and invoke you, Mother, Father, God into my being.
May I see and feel Your presence within me.
May I know and feel within my very bones,
that I am loved and cherished by You,
that I am guided, protected, and even nourished
by Your loving grace, by Your unconditional loving compassion.
Until today, I have felt unwanted, unneeded, and unlovable.
And I thank you Mother God for the miracle of healing this misperception.
Until today I have believed myself to be unworthy and undeserving of Your good.
But I thank you Father God for the miracle of healing this misperception.
Until today, I have felt abandoned, forsaken, and punished by You, and until today I have blamed myself and You for the suffering I endured.
But I thank you Mother, Father, God for the miracle of healing and releasing the pain of these false ideations.
I now see the truth, if only the start of the truth.
I now see Your love and light in every part of my path.
I now see where You protected me
and why You couldn't protect me
from that which I chose by selecting this path.

I forgive You, Mother, Father, God, knowing with all my heart
that there is nothing to forgive.
And I forgive my father, knowing with all my soul
that there is nothing to forgive.
And I forgive myself for all I endured,
knowing with all my being that there is nothing to forgive.

I take this moment to envision my future.
The future I will step into as God herself.
The future I will claim as God herself.
It will be the one envisioned by my soul before I was born.
It will be solely for bringing forth healing,
healing for the children of the world,
the inner children within the elders,
and of course to heal my own childhood self.
My childhood pain represents all children's pain,
and therefore my healing will represent
the healing of all others.
Let this be so. And so it is. Amen.

To Water Down Our Grief

"We draw our strength from the very despair in which we have been forced to live. We shall endure." --César Chávez

I am grateful
for my sorrow,
for my pain,
for my grief.
For these have led me to discover
my own inner strength.
These have taught me
just how much I am capable of
and prepared me to
address the needs of others.

It is thanks to my turbulent past
that I can remain calm in a crisis.
Whenever other people
have needs that must be met,
I am able to put
my own emotions aside
and help them.
But what if we could take this to another level...?

What if we could
water down our grief
with gratitude?

What if we could
water down our anxiety
with gratitude?

What if the answer
to all our deepest pain and sorrow
is to remember what we are grateful for?

How much easier
would life be
if we gave that a try;
If we found a way to remember
to interrupt our negative thoughts with,
        Thank God I made it through.
        Thank you God, for allowing me
        to carry so many fond memories.
        Thank you God, for giving me
        the strength and courage to keep on living.
        Thank you God, for my wonderful family
        and my fabulous friends.

And so I continue with even more thanksgiving:
        Thank you God, for each of my trials
        for they have caused me to cherish and to savor
        every delectable moment
        of blissful euphoria.
        Thank you for each of my tribulations,
        for they have given me
        a much more profound sense of gratitude
        for even the smallest visions of beauty;
        It does not take much
        for me to be filled to the brim
        with contentment.

My Inconceivable Gratitude

The words "thank you" do not have
the depth to hold the gratitude I feel.
There is no way to measure
the impact of your kindness
nor the appreciation I have
for your sweet and tender embrace.
There is no way to express
just how grateful I am.
For you have given to me
an enchanting, luscious spring
with bountiful blossoms of every color
after an enduring, arduous, and desolate winter.

And you didn't just bring spring.
You brought me the promise
of a new spring to come
whenever winter takes hold again.

You cannot measure the gratitude
of one whose strife has ended;
we take nothing for granted
after having known
the mind-numbing effects of scarcity.
You cannot measure the appreciation
of one who turns their face to the sun
after having been lost
in sorrow filled oblivion.
We take nothing for granted.

The words "thank you" do not have
the depth to hold the gratitude I feel.
There is no way to measure
the impact of your kindness,
nor the appreciation I have
for the love you've shared with me.
So I will say,
        Thank you from the bottom of my heart and soul
        for the profusions of blossoms,
        for the golden sunlight against
        the lively green leaves,
        for bringing to me this luscious spring. 
        Thank you for changing my world.

What If I Lost Nothing

What if I had actually
gained more than I lost?
What if that which I gained
was truly worth
so much more
than that which I lost?

I may have thought that I had lost my innocence.
I may have believed that I had lost my ability to love.
It may have seemed that I'd always choose to be alone.
But I've since learned that none of these are true.

I may have thought myself
the eternally unwanted cast-away.
I may have believed that I could never belong.
It may have seemed as though
no one would choose to love me.
But I have since learned that none of these are true.

I may have missed
so many firsts.
I may have misplaced
my sense of self
and my sense of worth.
I may have viewed myself
less than human.
I may have thought myself
one who wasn't worth
standing up for or protecting.
Yet there is hope.
Because aside from the missed experiences,
none of the rest will have
a permanent residence
in my mind.

Much of what I had thought lost,
has only briefly been misplaced.
And when you consider
what I have since gained,
the loss was worth it.

For I have a deeper knowledge of healing.
I have a deeper understanding
of one's emotional needs.
I know how to find myself again.
I know how to overcome most anything.
I know how to unlearn powerlessness.
And when I finally learn
to love myself unconditionally,
I'll know the way to full transformation.

But the most essential thing I've gained
is the knowledge that
nothing I feared gone had left me;
it was simply waiting to be found again;
the only thing I ever lost was my way.
And once I've regained my path,
I'll always know my way back,
and I'll remember that nothing was ever lost.

My Dear Angels

My dear angels,
please grace me with your presence.
Please bring your healing light
to and through my tender heart.
My dear angels,
please rest your hands
upon my forehead
and quiet my turbulent mind
so that I may rest peacefully.

As I close my eyes,
I ask you to please
show me the bigger picture
so I can begin to accept
that all the pieces fit,
that each moment,
no matter the color,
has been woven together
into an elegant tapestry.
May I see how the darkness
does not and cannot
mar the beauty.

I ask you,
my dear angels,
to please show me
that my path is,
and has already been,
well worth it.
For there are
still times when I wonder;
there are still times
when I imagine
a different start.

And I feel I must
fully envision
the divine purpose
of the darkness I endured.
I feel I must
view the masterpiece,
for that is what it is,
in its entirety.

So may my vision
be unlimited in its scope,
may it draw far enough away
from my ego's perceived reality,
that it encompasses all there is.