To Find A Cure

    Despite what I have been writing the last few days, a whole lot of things have been weighing on my mind simultaneously that I did not want to write because I have already written my misery out in a thousand different ways and I didn't want to write it out in a thousand more. I will say that I want my suffering to serve a purpose and that purpose to serve the world. I know I don't need to dwell on the past any more. I want to wake up one day and remember how to live. How to fully live in the present, how to let the passing thoughts pass without engaging them for too long. Our minds can either be a prison or a garden for planting our dreams and watching them grow...and until recently, my mind was becoming a prison again. Anyway, with that I will try to begin my meditative writing practice and see what I come up with.

I feel like I have to think big
and have enormous dreams
or else my past will continue
to have the power to imprison me.

I need to believe, with my entire
heart, mind, and soul,
that I can give my suffering meaning,
give it purpose
and that purpose will serve the world.

Why else would I have had such hardships,
if not to give the world something better?
I want to find the cure to my suffering,
to our suffering...
and to then administer it to those who are ready.

I've faced thoughts of death.
I've faced the height of self-flagellation
and self-sacrifice.
I was equal parts ready to give up
and ready to surmount and overcome;
Simply because I didn't want my story to end that way;
I wanted a chance to write a better ending for myself.
So I have dreamed BIG.

Since I have made it this far,
I feel it is only fair to share
how I have progressed.
Firstly, believe in your capacity to heal yourself,
but be aware that the process is not linear;
do not get discouraged when you feel
as though you have backtracked.
Know that crying and raging
are forms of emotional release;
express them safely and without self-judgement.

Secondly, be willing to accept help from others;
everyone is trying to heal themselves
and your friends may have more to offer than you expect.
Work on accepting compliments;
start with just saying 'thank you'
even if you can't believe the compliments yet.

Keep climbing, keep searching, keep growing.
Keep acquiring tools to add to your toolbelt.
You will undoubtedly feel like Sisyphus
pushing a boulder up a steep mountain day after day,
yet I assure you, the daily effort is worth it;
People, places, and circumstances
are going to begin triggering you less and less.

Granted, I admit,
Even I have a ways to go yet.
I have yet to feel the divinity of my womanhood,
I have yet to feel divine, sacred, and cherished. 
I still find it hard to wholly believe these things;
but I know that I am divine, sacred, and cherished
and that one day I will feel the truth in that statement.
I find that it always takes time
for your heart to catch up to the knowledge in your mind.