God Shall See Me Through

    For quite some time now, I have allowed my fear of the "what if's" to stop me from taking action. What if my old grief overwhelms me again and sabotages my success? What if new grief overwhelms me and sabotages my success? For example the loss of one or both of my parents... But now I am hearing "The strength of God's vision for you will pull you through. This is not your vision, but God's vision and He will not let you fail. The strength of God's vision and the power of God's provision will see you through." And this came just a few days after hearing that once you receive the vision, it already is. Or in other words, once you've aligned yourself with God's vision for you, everything you need to reach it has also been aligned. I cannot express my relief at that realization. I can feel the truth of it wholly right now and I am so grateful for that. I've known for some time that I don't have to have all the answers in order to move forward, but now I feel the reality of that statement and I am breathing out a huge sigh of relief.

There are so many things that I seem to understand,
but many of the brilliant ideas I write out
have yet to be internalized.
I know that I chose this life,
I have recognized that mere fact
means that I have never been powerless.
I know that my painful past serves a greater purpose
and that my depth of gratitude
and my effortless embrace
of every small pleasure
is due to my deep wounding.
I know that I am not meant to be a martyr, or to live small.
But this knowledge so far,
has only been held in the conscious mind.
So my heart and my unconscious mind
have been vehemently rebelling against all of these truths.
The lies I had been taught in early childhood
settled firmly into my mind and body, and took root in my heart.
This was illustrated whenever I searched
for feelings of self-love, worthiness, and deservingness.
Not only did I repeatedly fail to reach those feelings,
but my total disbelief
in my lovability and deservingness caused me to cry inconsolably.
When you are treated like trash by your own biological parents,
you believe that it must be because you are trash.
Convincing myself otherwise has been a tough journey that,
in all honesty, I am probably still on.
But at least now I feel God's support
more than ever before, and I am ready to take action.
Though I may not be done grieving my past,
I finally feel certain that God won't let that burden stop me.
So let me end by saying:
Thank you God. Thank you God. Thank you God.