Love Is The Root Of Alchemy

Love, I've found,
is at the root of all alchemy.
How do you heal from trauma?
How do you turn your burdens into blessings
and your wounds into lessons?
Love can do all this for us.
You may be asking,
if the answer is so simple,
why is healing so hard?

Healing can be hard
because when we are wounded
we cannot perceive love as readily;
When we are re-watching the past on repeat,
we cannot notice the love that surrounds us,
nor see the miracles around us.
If we grow up with various forms of abuse,
we begin to find compliments uncomfortable;
Further proof that, when love does show its face,
we do not believe it to be there.
We tend to, instead, associate abuse with love.
It takes us a while to unlearn the idea
that pain is love and
that love always bears the mask of pain.

But when we finally feel
the serenity within unconditional love,
we begin to realize our mistake.
True unconditional love bears no masks,
no layers of pain or anguish.
Beneath the surface of such love
is only more love.

So how can we make the healing journey
feel more effortless?
Start by identifying the lies;
the ones regarding your supposed
unworthiness, undeservingness, and guilt;
the lies you told yourself
and the lies others put in your head.
Actually,
these will often be one and the same.

We can also interrupt
the replayed trauma
with a memory of profound bliss.
If you cannot readily think of one,
take the time to imagine what a perfect day might be.
If you can, go so far as to write out
a series of joyous events.

Or you can try what I've only just started to do.
Whenever you return to the gritty parts of your past,
invite that version of you into your quiet, sacred space.
Meaning,
allow that flashback to be your cue to meditate.
Take a deep breath, and
send that version of you all the love you can,
tell them that they are ok now;
comfort them as you would
any scared and injured child.
Hold them, stroke their hair, hum a tune to them.
This can all take place in the space of a minute if need be,
but whenever possible, allow several.

Another key component
to more effortless healing
is to find a place of belonging.
If you can surround yourself with people
who show you unconditional loving compassion,
that support will be undeniably invaluable.
Allow them to love you,
and one day,
you will learn how to love yourself.

Love creates miracles and spurs transformation
as long as you can find a way to let it in.

How the Light Gets In

People, including myself,
are often afraid that others
will define us by our trauma,
by what we have survived.
But it has come to me
that we are not defined by what hurt us,
but by how we transform that pain
into love and compassion.

Some survivors become bitter;
others become sweeter and more tender.
For those of us who choose the latter,
we shall find that the deeper the wound,
the deeper and more profound the healing;
"we are all broken,
that's how the light gets in"
as Earnest Hemingway said.
And Kahlil Gibran assures us in The Prophet that
"The deeper that sorrow carves into your being,
the more joy you can contain."

And I shall add that it becomes easier
for you to find your joy
after rising out of your sea of sorrow,
for you don't take the small blessings for granted.
This has been my experience.
Seeing glimmering dew drops
clinging to blades of grass
and watching birds flit from here to there
as they serenade the golden dawn
brings joy and ecstasy effortlessly to me.
Silently sitting next to someone I love
is all I need to rest blissfully in the state of euphoria.

We are not judged by our wounding,
but by how well we rebuild ourselves.
We are not defined by our suffering,
but by our choice to transform it
so that we may bless the world
with our souls' transformation.

"Unflinching, Unconditional Self-Love"

    My breakthrough 5 days ago wonderfully paralleled the beginning of last night's channeled class in which the masters discussed "unflinching, unconditional self-love." Not egoic self-love, but soul centered love. We should be unashamed of our humanness and remember that we do not have to apologize for being who we are. And the idea that I can acknowledge all the parts of my character that stem from trauma as facets that are important to God and the vision He has for me can help me practice unflinching, unconditional self-love. It will help me to cease criticizing myself for all of my real and perceived shortcomings. And as I have stated before, you cannot grow from where you are if you are busy judging where you are or even where you're from. Saying "I'm too  _______", will not spark progress. Acknowledging and accepting where you are while envisioning where you want to be can help catalyze progress. The last time I thought of this, it was in regards to cleaning a mess. I had spent so much time criticizing myself for the mess, that I couldn't even tackle it. Seeing it would fill me with self-loathing and that isn't a motivating feeling.
    I am hopeful that in time, I can master these things. As I have tried to express before, just because you have come up with a brilliant idea or a profound belief, doesn't mean you have fully internalized it. Although, I will say that for the most part, I am finally ok with my storyline. Yes, I did have to watch Gilmore Girls in order to vicariously experience through Rory the type of high school/college life I might have been able to have had my life played out differently, but at least I was spared the extra teenage angst of heartbreak. Plus, no one stood me up for prom. I have to say that I have played a pretty damn good hand with the cards I have been given. 

A Blueprint of the Soul

A Blueprint of the Soul

My soul holds the blueprint
of the wise healer I am meant to be.
In time the anxiety I've held on to will melt away,
revealing the innate certainty and faith
that I am divinely guided and protected.
My soul holds the blueprint
of the humble leader I am meant to be.
In time, the self-doubts and self-judgments
that took root in my mind, will be weeded out.
My soul holds the blueprint
of the fully healed survivor I am meant to be.
In time, all the aspects of life I have struggled with
will become easy and effortless,
and I will be able to see
that the beauty within my life
far outweighs the pain.

The Light Has Already Prevailed

The light has already prevailed
and I draw that light into my third eye
so I can hold the thoughts and the vision of God.
The light has already prevailed
and I draw that light into my throat
so I may speak the words of God.
The light has already prevailed
and I draw that light into my heart
so that my heart would be mended
and I may freely share the love of God.
The light has already prevailed,
and I draw that light into my soul
so I may align with the will of God
and hear His divine guidance
as I walk through this life.

I open myself
to the resurrection of my mind today.
I open myself
to the resurrection of my heart today.
I open myself
to the resurrection of my soul today.
For I acknowledge that I
was never meant to crucify myself
for the sake of others.
I was never meant to crucify my identity
for the sake of others,
to render myself invisible
in order to make those around me comfortable.
I shall hide my light no more.
I shall hide my gifts no more.
I shall hide my voice no more.

The light has already prevailed
and I draw that light into the Light of God that I AM.
The light has already prevailed
and I draw that light into the Love of God that I AM.
The light has already prevailed
and I draw that light into the Voice of God that I AM.

Dreaming of Freedom

    So, yesterday I was talking about how I had spent so much time wishing to be the version of me I would have been had I not gone through the early childhood trauma. And this morning, it came to me that that particular version of me is still there somewhere; as I continue calling on the healing grace of God, I will one day be so confident and self-assured that I won't even remember why I couldn't feel that way before. As I continue calling on the light of God, I will one day be able to remember and recognize my own worth and nothing that might occur outside of me will make me question it again. I will feel fully empowered, capable, and even fully comfortable in my own skin. In the end I would also find it easy, effortless, and safe to fall in love with someone. As they say, I believe in A Course in Miracles, the power of God is greater than the power of the world outside of us; one day, I will remember who I truly am and when I do, I'll be the version of me who doesn't know the effects of trauma. All of the facets associated with it will gradually smooth over, soften, and disappear.

How I Learned to See in the Dark

    I've been taking in, more and more deeply, the idea that this version of me is the most useful to God. Not only most useful to God, but most useful for the planet and most useful for myself. What I have learned on this journey could not have been learned without the turmoil. What I have been able to offer others could not have been offered without the strife. Without even trying and without even realizing it, I was able to give many the space to tell their story without judgment or disbelief and my hope is that in those moments that they felt comfortable enough with me to share their nightmare, that they could begin another leg of their own healing journey. And it is likely that we both benefited from the exchange of our horror stories. We both knew in those moments, that we were not alone and that someone else had turned out pretty ok despite the trauma. As we held compassion for one another's story, we began to learn how to hold our own past with compassion. Despite feeling certain that I had chosen this life and despite many of the other beliefs I have held that should have alleviated the weight of the grief, they did not help me much because I still wanted to be the person I would have been had the trauma not occurred. But as I internalize the premise that this version of me, the one who has made it through the darkness, through the pain, is much more useful to everyone than whoever I might have been had my life been easy, I can begin to make peace with a past that held no peace.
    The path I've taken was chosen so that I could gain an understanding of the deepest, darkest places and so I could learn how to see in the dark well enough to find my way out and then light the way for others. My mind held both the prison and the key, my mind held both the misery and the faith. I can finally say that I am glad to be who I am, I am glad to know that I can handle whatever life throws at me because most of what it has given me has been love. Knowing that I have the love and support of others will always be the best gift. I am grateful for all that I am. I am grateful for the whole of my path, for I have become someone who is capable of inspiring others, someone who can offer hope to those who dwell in despair, and someone who is able to guide others through their own path of healing.