To Be All That I Can Be

I have held a fear deep in my heart
that I'd always be
misperceived from the start.
I have worried
that if all people see are my flaws
and not their root cause
they shall deem me unworthy
of love and compassion.
And so I tend to over-explain
hoping they gain just an inkling
of the scope of my pain.

I fear others shall see me as weak,
prone to falling apart,
if I don't choose to impart
just a piece
of my broken heart.
I want others to know,
just a little,
of what goes on in my mind
day in and day out,
so they can begin to perceive
my courage and strength
more than my
idiosyncrasies.

Yes, I have flaws,
but I assure you,
I'm not a lost cause.
Just give me a chance
to heal and to grow.
Just give me a chance
to be all that I can be.

To Derive Meaning from the Meaningless

I have pressed on through the night
even though there seemed to be
no end in sight.
I have stayed the course
even through the tumultuous storms.
Though the nights had been bitter
and the days not much better,
I was determined to keep putting
one foot
in front of the other.

I have travelled through the dark
without the help of the stars.
I have tried to find my way through the wilderness
with nothing but my broken heart
and its faulty compass.

Though I experienced senseless violence,
I have derived meaning from the meaningless;
I have found purpose in the purposelessness.
Don't get me wrong,
I should never have gone through
all that I lived through,
but since I cannot turn back time,
I have had to find a way
to reframe the crime.

Though no one can ever pretend
that the harm that came to them
was nothing but a blessing in disguise,
there is a way to find hope within the despair
and light within the dark.
There is a way to derive meaning from the meaningless.

Brand New Chapters

While my trauma has lived on
in the heart of my inner child
it has been writing chapters;
chapters full of instability,
chapters full of struggle,
chapters full of scarcity.

But I am beginning to heal and transform
that which lies within the heart of my inner child.
I have been ever so gradually
changing the core beliefs that have resided there.
There was a time when I believed
that I would always return to a place of suffering.
There was a time when I believed
that no one had my back.
There was a time when I believed
that all of my mistakes were unforgivable.
And these beliefs have been
vanquished, banished, extracted, and extinguished.

I will not allow my trauma to write any more chapters.
I will, instead,
allow the power and the grace of God that lives within me
to write chapters full of joy and peace and ease.
I will not allow my trauma to write any more chapters.
I will, instead,
allow the love and light of God that lives with in me
to write chapters full of laughter and contentment.

Making My Way Home

I am making my way home.
I see a house in which all the rooms are full of love.
I see a house full of young people and pets.
I am making my way home.
I see a house that feels warm, comfortable, comforting, and loving.
There is a room in that house that is waiting for me.
I am making my way home.
There are pets in that house willing and waiting to comfort me.
This place is a place where I feel safe, loved, empowered, and cared for.
I am making my way home.
This safe space will enable me to feel a deep sense of security.
This feeling will allow me to make steady progress with processing old wounds.
I am on my way home.

To Forge a Path Through Fire

It is time you acknowledged your strength.
For you have pushed forward
where others would not have;
for you have journeyed
where others wouldn't dare.

It is time you acknowledged your power.
For you have risen from the ashes
when others would not have;
for you have shone a light for others
while feeling mired in the dark.

It is time you acknowledged your courage.
For you have chosen to face your monsters
where others would hide from them;
for you have embraced the weight of your sorrows
where others would wage war against them.

It is time you acknowledged your light.
For you have done what others feel they cannot.
It is time you acknowledged your wisdom.
For you have forged a path through the fire
with the power of your words.
It is time you acknowledged your grace.
For you have done what others hope for
but daren't dream.

Moving Forward by Looking Backward?

    So today has been a hard day for writing. I never really settled into the zone. There has been too much on my mind in terms of the next part of my healing journey. I did find an EMDR specialist, and I think she will be a good match for me for this kind of therapy. Luckily this therapy is done in phases and we won't be retrieving/recovering suppressed memories until we lay some ground work; for example, teaching me coping skills among other things.
    Before getting to this point, the universe kept giving me signs to give this a shot and I thought to myself, I can't do that until I have x, y, and z. Specifically referring to supportive people around me, especially at work. And of course, I realized a moment later, I had that already...so here we are. Diving into the deep end without knowing how to swim...or if I'll actually float. I'm not saying that this will definitely get a lot harder before it gets better, but from where I stand now, I have no idea how it will unfold so I have been preemptively preparing for it as mentioned in a prior post by reaching out for added support during this time. Next Friday, during our appointment, we will create a 6 month plan for how we will proceed. 
    While I get, on some level, that this process will allow me to create new neural pathways that will essentially help me move past the trauma in such a way that it will no longer hold me back, it is all too easy to get caught up on the idea that I will be recovering suppressed memories of trauma. Granted, one odd plus side to this is that it will flesh out the memoir/autobiographical book I want to write. I had a dream, once, about having it published already and people were talking to me about what they thought of it. 

To Reveal and Heal

I proclaim here and now
that the light that I am
and the light I call forth
shall be powerful enough
to simultaneously
reveal and heal
the tragedy.

I proclaim here and now
that the light that I am
and the light I call forth
shall be mighty enough
to effortlessly
reveal and heal
the trauma.

To See a Future That's Bright

There was a time when
I hadn't wanted to remain alive
with the weight of so much grief
upon my heart.

There was a time when
I hadn't wanted to remain alive
with the tremendous burden of shame
upon my soul.

To this day, I'm not sure
how I kept moving forward.
I'm not sure how I succeeded
when I felt so defeated.
There were nights spent
with tears in my eyes,
praying for my own demise.
And yet still, with each morning,
I chose to rise.

Those days don't feel
that far behind me,
and sometimes these feelings
still creep up on me.
But I choose to stay.
I choose to believe
that I still have a purpose. 
I choose to see
a future that's bright
despite all the chapters
that took place in the night.