New Job Found!

I got a job at a Montessori school in Silver Spring. I was hired yesterday and start on Monday! The days will be long but they start later than I expected. Going to be working with toddlers and will eventually get benefits after a 90 day training period! I'm super excited! Some of this may not sound like much, but I've never had a job with all of these good features. I'm finally going to be able to save up some money again!

Tightening Loose Ends

As I've promised I'm posting to help justify and further prove my initial argument in the previous post.

The reason I believe calling all immigrants terrorists is wrong and unjustifiable is because, by pointing the finger at them we're constantly, and conveniently, ignoring the fact that white Americans prove themselves to be terrorists more often than the people we're blaming. Creating a scapegoat out of other citizens and "solving" the problem by deporting them does not eliminate the violence among Americans. We've had numerous shootings in various schools across the country and even in a theater and we can't blame Muslims or Mexicans for them. Every woman across the nation has experienced some form of misogyny whether verbal or physical and many of us have suffered from all forms. I'm only 24 and I've experienced all forms of abuse, emotional, physical and sexual. And guess what, it was all from white Americans so again, why are we blaming Mexicans?

Concerns

I haven't made a post in numerous days because I didn't have anything useful on my mind; just constant stress. Some of it being that I still have not made a deposit of any amount into the bank. But most of it is about how afraid I'm becoming of the people in this country.

If this turns out the way I dread, I fear there will be an all out war within our nation, caused by our people as well as foreign nations. We could potentially become the targets of bombings ourselves if we direct so much loathing at all the other people in this world. If we show them that hatred, they'll be inclined to defend themselves against us by being the first to strike out. They will prove our fears right if we never give them a chance to prove us wrong. If all we feed them is that they're terrible people who bring drugs, crime and terrorism into this country, they will return the loathsome feelings and lash out; they'll say, "I guess you're right, we're a disaster to America, and we're going to prove it to you". If we don't eradicate the hate talk, we're going to make the nearly unmanageable completely unmanageable. We should remain a beacon of hope to the world, not one of absolute uncontrollable fears. We're a powerful nation right now, but if we make all future decisions based on how much we fear those in our own country, documented or not, we'll lose all of our power. And if we act on those fears that lay outside this country and constantly go on to attack what's out there, literally and/or figuratively, we'll never have enough energy or resources to defend what's here.

The other major fear is that all of the sexual predators out there who currently have a partial conscience right now, if they see a President Trump, they'll start feeling like it's acceptable behavior because America just voted for someone who at the very least speaks the way they think. Even if, for the sake of argument, Trump never did those things that he mentioned on the recording, he did verbally prove to sex offenders/predators that he at least thinks the way they do. If he becomes president, the part of them that told them it's wrong will have no hold on them anymore and they're highly likely to up the ante; they won't hold back anymore. That is my biggest fear because I have, as mentioned quite a while ago, been sexually assaulted and I want their conscience to loom over them. I've also had a man on a bus talk loudly enough for each passenger and the driver to hear him and say, in much cruder language, that I must not be getting enough due to such and such. I didn't even turn around to face him because I wanted to be able to pretend that no one on that bus knew who he was talking about. If this carries on in a bigger way against all women, I'm going to be constantly on edge. Please don't dismiss this as an over-reaction.

If this problem included men in such a way where men were groped and kissed randomly by other men and then had all of society tell them they asked for it given how they dressed or that "boys will be boys" bullshit cliche, more men would be able to stand by our side and say, "yes, this is a huge emotional problem that needs to be addressed". And it needs to be addressed better than when Trump essentially said: well, at least I'm not ISIS, when confronted with the hot-mic issue in the second debate. I said essentially.

Please do us a favor, America, and help those women who have suffered abuse at the hands of men keep those occurrences behind them because right now these instances are being constantly replayed in our heads. I've forgiven those who have done me wrong in the past but that does not mean that I should then hand those people a metaphorical  "get out of jail free card" by electing Trump. (The jail being their conscience.)
It could be and should be these predators vs. the rest of America.

The Etymology of Passion

I found out shortly before the trail that the word passion is, in some manner of speaking, related to the word pain, more specifically it stems from the Latin word "pati" or "passio" meaning "to suffer". I had been surprised to learn this but looked it up after the trail to make sure I remembered right. So my passion for working with kids really means that every moment that I'm not pursuing this goal or not fulfilling this role, I suffer. It's been just over a year since I last worked, in any capacity, with kids and it's starting to drive me crazy. Maybe it seems a bit odd, but I truly feel that this is the role I'm meant to play in life, to be the voice for children struggling to fit in, who believe they don't belong. When I end up in the career I'm meant for, whatever it might be, my main goal will be to make sure children treat each other right, to make sure they consider what other people are struggling with before judging them. Even where there's a clear reason for judgment, there is also a chance to gain a deeper understanding instead. You never know someone's whole life story unless they're willing to be vulnerable enough to speak or write about it. That's not to say we should encourage pity, just understanding, acceptance and a willingness to listen. The passion I have for helping comes from the pain of exclusion. My passion stems from my pain allowing me to identify what my calling is. I have a hunch I could have used "our" and "us" in that statement but I didn't want to be overly presumptuous.

What IS the Meaning of Life?

While on the trail, I was once asked by a fellow hiker what I think the meaning of life might be and although I don't think I articulated my thoughts all that well at the time, the rest of my train of thought finally came to me as I got closer to finishing the trail. I had been asked this in New Jersey and the answer started firming up in my mind in Connecticut when I ran into Baby Chicken, Optimistic Dreamer and Gung-ho at a shelter. For whatever reason, a conversation started that afternoon that lead to me to share my history and I started realizing yet again that my desire to help children stems from my own experiences...I want to be able to help others through some of the same things I went through. To me, the meaning of life is about giving meaning to your suffering by turning around and helping other people reach the light at the end of the tunnel or at least showing them that there is a light to go toward. We give our lives meaning by doing so and that's empowering. This is my goal in life and I've taken a 2,189 mile scenic detour already, so hopefully the next chapter will lead me directly there. Hah.

Job Search Continues

Despite my resume upgrade, I recently edited it and added my latest adventure, I haven't found work yet. I would love to find a live in nanny or au pair situation because that takes care of both housing and income. That being said, I did some networking this evening and sent my resume to someone who might be able to find something that suits me well and I am going to visit Montgomery College tomorrow to continue the efforts in other ways; I can't keep sitting in front of a computer screen. I'm looking forward to earning some dough. I need to rebuild my savings account.

Now That I'm Back

Going from hiking, to a week long road trip home with my mom, to job searches: it's been a crazy ride to say the least. I'm not sure where to go from here. I had attempted to line up an Americorps opportunity but I'm not sure that my references will follow through. One of them will definitely be willing and able but the other, I'm not sure because that person was put down because he happened to be the only other person that would work. I had his information, he was my boss at a business that had an address, and the other option would have been the person who hired me as a counselor last summer; she never witnessed me working as she was in her office, so I didn't think it would be of much help. I'm not sure if that door is still open even if I pressure them. It's disappointing to say the least, but maybe next time.

Right now, I'm looking into working in MCPS in some capacity either as a volunteer for before and after school programs or, hopefully this will be the end result, as a para-educator. Just because I didn't get an Education degree doesn't mean I won't pursue this goal anyway. I have a new fire that was billowed into me by the trail; I won't give up just because things get hard and as long as I'm moving forward, I'm doing alright; even if I'm only crawling. On the trail, I heard someone say something like that. She had said that she would tell herself that she could cry, she could whine as long as she kept walking and that resonated with me because I was thinking something like that myself.

My thought had been that all of the reasons I might have had to leave the trail were really the reasons to stay. I had asked for all of it, the pain and the misery, by saying I want to hike the trail. This had been my conscious choice because I knew I needed some sort of colossal struggle in order to grow; I needed an adversary and I chose the trail. And of course the trail was more like a friend who teaches you how to take a punch; so I'd take it in the teeth sometimes and say, "Well, this is what you wanted. You can't turn back now, this was the whole point!" I also knew from experience that I had to tough out the hard times so that I can enjoy the exhilarating, euphoric ones later; if I left prematurely, I'd miss out on all the beauty, the kinship and the fun times.

On the trail, I got interviewed by a couple of young women who were working on making a documentary on women hiking the Appalachian Trail and thanks to the way they set it up, I felt pretty comfortable in front of the camera. They had made it so I could focus on the hiker who had offered to facilitate the interview. I was looking at her while the camera was off to the side a bit. After the interview, which was centered on things like, what did I do before the trail, what motivated me to start this journey etc, the hiker posing the questions called me a bad ass and that was probably my happiest moment on the trail at that point. People say you don't need other people's acceptance, but if you were living your life in a place like India as an untouchable, you'd know better. I'm not trying to compare my life experience to that, but I've been ostracized by my peers from time to time and it hurts. It hurts doubly when you've gone through foster care in your early childhood.

So this moment when someone had done the exact opposite, when they had respected my struggles for what they were, I little light flickered inside. I was starting to feel a bit of pride for what I'd already done with my life. Something I was unable to do before. Someone else had said this farther down the line. The camaraderie of the trail raised the image I had of myself. It took completing the trail to feel pride for my own accomplishments, it took doing the trail for me to stand all the way up off the mat. I had felt as though each blow in my life came to me while I was already on the ground because I didn't have the courage to stand up. And that is why none of the hardships were able to drive me off the trail; I had to learn to love and accept myself with all my shortcomings knowing that my perseverance can help me prevail if I learn to move forward with confidence no matter how the chips may fall; I needed help growing up but I needed it particularly from the Appalachian Trail. And thank goodness it fell into my lap the way it did.