Fast Paced Living

So between the last blog post and now, a whole lot has happened. Everything has fallen into place. I moved to Morgantown with my boyfriend, got a new job, my driver's license and a hand-me-down car. The last three things happened in the span of a week and a half and made life seem overwhelmingly fast. Unfortunately, it will be hard to continue saving money for the hike but I technically already have enough to go on it now. I still need to find someone to go with though.

Overall, things are going smoothly but I've been struggling with anxiety again so I started a new regimen to stay calm at work. I meditate twice a day and take a supplement called Inositol. So far it's been pretty helpful. I get good sleep and can keep busy at work without feeling stressed about how busy things get.

A.T. Savings, New Job and New Apt.

A lot of great things have happened since my last post 4 and 1/2 weeks ago. Thanks to some excellent advice from my sister, I started a second savings account for the hike I'm planning to start next spring and I've transferred all the money I got from graduation and my birthday into the account and then some. Surprisingly, that was enough to get me just over halfway there.

In other news, I started working at a summer camp in WV and am getting $10 an hour and $15 an hour for overtime. By the end of this summer, I should have enough in my new savings account to start shopping at REI; I'm making more money in a single week than I did in 2 weeks at Petsmart. Although, I plan to go back to that by the end of the summer for a little while.

And lastly, this past week, my boyfriend and I put in a security deposit for an affordable, nice looking apartment close to where he will be going to grad school and we really lucked out because we're both happy with it.

The Search for Work and Why It's Killing Me

Well, I'm still looking for a second job to supplement my current income but my search has been sporadic and spotty at best. I have heard back from people, but only that they either couldn't open my resume or that they would like a cover letter as well. My mom mentioned that I might be reluctant to find more work because I don't want to work full time while my boyfriend is less than 3-5 hours away; he's about to start grad school in Morgantown where it would be either a 5 hour bus ride or a 3 hour car ride and the thought of it is killing me. I hadn't broken it down like that, but yeah, I don't want to work full time between now and August. We enjoy our time together so much that it's hard to be apart for more than a week. I don't want to have 1 or 2 day visits every month or even every two weeks, even now the distance seems too hard to handle. It would be awesome if the answer to the problem was to move with him but where would that leave me? The question is will I be able to pursue my dream while feeling sad and lonely half the time or will I do better when I'm distracted by how awesome it is to be living together. I'm worried I might settle for whatever I get in Morgantown because I'll be in a euphoric dream and that I'll get stuck even if I don't move due to bouts of depression. I really don't know what to do.

When an Overly Hopeful Romantic Becomes Clingy and Pushy

I've been spending a whole lot of days contemplating  my current relationship. The person I've been with for the last 8 months is convinced that we'll be together forever and frequently wants me to promise him that I'll stay. Unfortunately for him, I don't believe the future will be set in stone just because we decide to make a promise. Maybe we will be together forever and that would be great but maybe we can't. The problem I've been having is that if for any reason, we can't stay together, I'm going to feel guilty about it not working out. Since he believes so strongly that we belong together, if we did have to part ways he would likely be incapable of moving on and I'd blame myself for not being able to make him happy. Being happy with him right now is enough for me. I don't need to know where it's going to go. We're only 8 months in and I think it's pointless to obsess over our future together. I almost feel as though I can't make him happy now unless I promise to have a future with him and I don't think that's right. In my mind the most we can promise each other is that we want to be together forever. If you're reading this, I want you to know that I swear to you that I want us to live happily ever after and I hope that can be enough for you.

Could a Basic Income Be My Answer?

So, I recently learned of the idea behind a Basic Income* and that it is apparently all over Reddit. My thoughts obviously turned to how I could use something like that in order to be able to afford my hiking trip. Unfortunately, I don't think anyone would be interested in raising money for me in that way because I still haven't had any luck with crowdfunding so far and I don't think changing the reason I want money to, so I can live comfortably and through-hike the Appalachian Trail will help me change my current results.
Part of me thinks that if I were male, I would been more successful at raising funds on Indiegogo, that not enough people believe a woman would have the tenacity or perseverance to complete the 2,181 mile trip. I know I can, because I gain energy from being around nature and I plan to raise money for a charity as I go so that I'll will have twice the ambition to finish the trail.
Yes, money is only half the battle, but if I can take care of that efficiently, then I can spend the majority of the next 10 months finding someone to go with.

*For those of you who aren't on Reddit very often, a basic income is when you get about $1,000 a month aside from what you earn at work; it's a supplemental income that has been proven to actually make people more productive because they aren't as anxious and therefore more efficient workers.

Getting Back on Track

I've started job hunting and have set up a meeting with someone about the possibility of babysitting. There are quite a few people and places I need to be e-mailing my resume and references. I'm hoping to be able to work with autistic kids this summer and get paid for it. If this happened I'd be getting more $ per hour and more hours per week than I am currently getting at Petsmart. It would be amazing to be able to add that to my resume along with my volunteer work at Summer Buddies.

The Exhaustively Difficult Task of Staying Focused

So, every day I'm pretty much either at work or at my boyfriends house and or trying to rest long enough to get rid of one ailment or another which means I haven't been job hunting and I haven't been looking for driving classes. Yes, I'm a 23 year old who hasn't done anything towards getting a driver's license. Fun fact: I'm on my third learners' permit.
Anyway, as I was saying, I haven't been getting any of my goals done due to impulsive behavior and constant viruses; I get rid of one cold only to be hit by another. Then I had pink eye followed an ear infection. The former hit before a cold and the latter hit during. It's been a fun time to say the least. I think everything is on its way out now so I'm going to get on track this coming week and really make the effort.

Subconsciously Driven

So, for the last few months I've been choosing to carry around several bags of either groceries or personal items the days I leave from work to spend the night at my boyfriends house and I've been thinking that this is prepping me for the hike I hope to go on next spring. I walk at least a half mile half the time and about a mile the rest of the time. It wasn't part of my plan to start carrying loads of things this year but I remember having done it throughout high school. I would have a rolling back pack, my trumpet, and a lunch box and sometime an extra bag for my track uniform; and, despite the load, I would always take the stairs. In some ways it seems I've been preparing for this trip for a long time and I can't wait to see if I have the perseverance I think I do.

Battling Insomnia While Fighting Off a Cold

So this title sums up how the last few days have gone. I get 6 hours of sleep then go to work and try not to notice the way my cold and fatigue are affecting my head. Thankfully, my shifts are pretty short (only five hours) but it always feels longer when you're tired the moment you arrive. Also, I'm glad I get Wednesday through Saturday off which should give me enough time to finish recuperating. Anyway, with any luck, by graduation day I'll have all the energy I could want.

Graduation

Well, I've been done with college for the last 5 months or so but because my school has only one graduation ceremony a year, I have yet to walk across the stage. That will be happening a week from today and I'm really excited for it. I'm hoping the cold I caught last week will be gone well before then so I can have the energy I'm used to having during work. Work has been making me tired really fast due to this cold. Weirdly, it wasn't all that long ago that I rarely caught things like this but it's been happening more often this year. Anyway, back to the topic of graduation...I get to share this great experience with my boyfriend of 7 months; we'll both be graduating together and our families are going to celebrate together. It will be the first time our two families meet and I can't wait for the occasion!

My Thoughts On the Purpose of Love

So, I know it's been a good long time since I've added a post. The reasons that come to mind are merely bad excuses but I'll say that I lost focus on the goals I had when I started this blog. Anyway, today I want to write about some thoughts that came to mind while meditating the last couple days and as you may have gleaned from the title, they have to do with love.

Something that's been stuck in my consciousness for years is that we're all here on a spiritual journey and today I figured out the importance love holds for all of us on this awesome journey. The reason we fall in love is because we recognize the person as someone who will inspire us to become better people. True love isn't going to be found in the person who doesn't want you to change but in the person who makes you want to change, who seems so wonderful you feel that you need to continually try to become the best version of yourself in order to deserve having them in your life.

As someone who is nearly 23 and yet pretty new to this relationship thing, it would help to hear others' thoughts on this. I've recognized over the time I've been with my current boyfriend, things I could work on in order to be better and have started making a conscious effort to do so for his sake and I'm hoping he does the same for me. We're both, in my mind, childish, impulsive people, and I sincerely hope we'll inspire each other to try to be less so.

Dreams and Running

So I've had a couple dreams about hiking the Appalachian Trail and I must say it's pretty cool that my subconscious is agreeing with my consciousness. Despite the super slow start, I'm feeling pretty confident that I'll reach my goal next year; I feel it's definitely supposed to happen and I'm looking forward to the biggest physical challenge I'll ever face.
I'm still running and meditating every day and am feeling more fit already. My legs, after a couple less strenuous days have lost their soreness which is such a relief. I've added yoga to my routine as well because it's beneficial to do after running especially when you're muscles are no longer in good shape. My plan is to work my way up to 5 miles and then when I can do that comfortably, I will try to do that twice a day. Right now, I can barely finish 2 miles before my legs start burning.

Physical Training Has Started

So I started running yesterday. Ran for 45 minutes and ended up super sore today but I went for a second run anyway. I ran half the distance and walked for half an hour afterward when, even after 20 minutes of yoga stretches the soreness was still quite problematic....let's just say stairs are really hard right now. When I finished my second hour long walk, I took an Epsom salts bath. Hopefully I'll see results tomorrow because I also tried a whole lot of other techniques to heal sore muscles such as vitamin B's and vitamin C, omega 3's, staying hydrated and green tea. Regardless, the physical training has begun and I won't stop running. I'm adding meditation and yoga to my daily activities to so I can stay focused both on my goal of the through-hike and on the day to day tasks I have.

The Show Must Go On!

So between work, relaunching my crowd-funding attempt, meeting someone interested in possibly hiking the Appalachian Trail next year and attempting to get better sleep, I've been distracted from this blog. It's still rather hard to think about what to write because things are only sort of happening. There are still too many maybes that have to be ironed out. I know I have a whole 12 months left to plan, but it's hard to believe it will happen without concrete evidence. I mean, after 21 days, I received 0 donations (which is why I felt the need to relaunch the crowd funding cite) and I still need to find someone to go with. Hopefully I'll see progress before too long because the slower this process is the more inclined I will be to quit; and I can't. I just can't. I'm not sure I can explain why, but I need this experience.

Choose Encouragement Over Pity

If you read yesterday's post, understand that I don't want anyone's pity. I spent over three years wallowing in self-pity and I learned it's absolutely pointless. People with stories like mine don't want to hear the word "sorry"; it just doesn't help. We need encouragement. I would want someone to say "I know you. You're going to get through this. I'm here to support you in whatever way I can. You're not to blame." Where I am now, I want to hear things like, "Yes! Yes! You did it! You came through to the other side! It seemed impossible, yet here you are!"
No pity parties! I refuse to attend! And I hope all of you avoid them as well.

To Know You're Loved; Moving Past Trauma

In this post, I am using poetry to express the type of trauma I was exposed to before I was adopted and my reaction to learning about this trauma years later. I will also discuss what I did to get through the bout of depression that inevitably followed.
I knew I had held onto something like this because of how I reacted to the word "rape". Of course, at the time I just thought I was scared of the possibility of it happening to me, not that my subconscious was reacting to the fact that I had already experienced it. I hope this post brings someone the strength to carry on and remember, it's never your fault.

Time Capsule

My distant past is like a time capsule
I started burying the day of the adoption.
Under the rich soil of positive memories
I've hid my past life.

My biological mother was the only one with the shovel,
The only one capable of unearthing my long buried time capsule.
She revealed to me not memories per se, but photos
For I cannot recollect any of it.

She said,

This is a picture of

Me barricading the door from your inebriated father.

This is your alcoholic father hurling knives at my feet.

He only wanted to play some darts.

Here he is tossing his plate of food across the room

Like a Frisbee.

And here he is giving you beer.

This is you the night you were touched.

You woke up four times that night

Kicking,

Kicking and screaming.

The following is a poem I wrote a few months after the former one when I was feeling especially melancholy.

A Shattered Whole

A cacophony of sound

Crashes about my ears

As my life shatters before my eyes.

Each shard penetrates deep into my flesh,

Yet I do not bleed or cry out.

I try to piece my life back together

One

Minute

Fragment

At

A

Time.

But it seems impossible.

All the pieces are saturated

With unshed tears.

And each one cuts into my fingers.

This time, I bleed.

I let myself bleed;

I allow myself to feel the

Unbearable pain, the

Immense weight of

Emotional turmoil.

As I sit in the midst of this

Tribulation,

I watch the crimson

Blood

Trickle

Down

Menacingly down

My now mangled fingertips.

A sudden awareness

Enters my mind

Unannounced.

It allows me to see,

To understand

How the pieces are

Supposed to fit.

My life is cracked,

And yet,

Impossibly strong.

My resolve and

My will to live,

Have become stronger

Than ever.

    The mantra I used to get through the darkest hours was "people love you and that's all that matters". You need to know that people love you and that you are deserving of their love. Remembering this and the fact that I have had some amazing and absolutely euphoric moments in my life are the two big things that prevented me from feeling suicidal. I thought about death plenty; that it would be great if the bus behind me somehow ended up half on the sidewalk and bulldozed me; that a drive by bullet might be the way to go, but I didn't want to die by suicide.
    Some time after the conversation with my biological mother, I was told by a former foster mother of mine even more surrounding the trauma. She too deduced that something was terribly wrong the first day I arrived at her house. For whatever reason, she decided to tell me that one of the first things she noticed was that I was limping and when she asked what was wrong, I had said "Daddy said no talk." Both conversations have remained like splinters in my consciousness keeping me up many nights... I keep wondering if it would be ok to tell people about it (outside of this blog of course).

    It's safe to say that I did go through a bit of an identity crisis after all this, because I felt that as a woman, I would always feel like a victim and yet as a man I would feel as though I were the perpetrator. (Oddly, I only saw this as the case for myself, not for any other man or woman.) It took me three and a half years to get over all of this.

Since then, I have gone to Montana to do trail maintenance, I've graduated from Montgomery College, from Shepherd University, I have found a boyfriend who I know I can trust,

Embracing the Good Side

As promised, here's a list of the positive attributes. If you're reading this, try making a list like this about yourself. Being able to see yourself in a positive light is important.

1.) I have a strong desire to help others.

2.)  I constantly strive to become the best version of myself.

3.) I'm dedicated.

4.) I'm resilient.

5.) I am an enthusiastic worker.

6.) I'm punctual most of the time.

7.) I'm grounded yet a dreamer.

8.) I can almost always find a reason to be happy.

9.) I'm a natural at child care.

10.) I'm empathic and can read people.

11.) I am willing to push myself beyond my limits, beyond my comfort zone.

12.) I have a strong sense of self and am okay with being different.

13.) I have a desire for experiences more than things because I know experiences last longer; they become a part of who you are.

14.) I love to learn and I want to spend my whole life learning new things.

15.) I am respectful of others.

Owning My Shadow

As an aspiring writer, I want to write up a blog post or two about some of the negative circumstances that have occurred in my life and some of the negative choices I've made as well. I want to be able to wear my heart on my sleeve and until I can do that in person with everyone of my friends and family, I think writing it out here will be perfect. Some of my friends and my immediate family knows about the things I plan to express, but I've kept many people in the dark about the most notorious torments in my life. What I share will consist of things I don't like about myself (my shadow) and a dark secret that, for a long while managed to haunt me without my conscious awareness of it. I was told about it in January of 2010, my senior year of high school but I'm going to hold this part off for a while.

Some of you might realize that some of the things on this list were mentioned in a previous post, but since my intention has changed, I feel they can be written again.

1.) I want to feel needed.
2.) I seem to want constant validation.
3.) I can unknowingly act egocentric.
4.) I don't trust myself with transitions.
5.) Sometimes I can act pretentious.
6.) I worry too much.
7.) I'm terrified of failure.
8.) I have trouble following through a lot of times.
9.) There are times when I act vain.
10.) I have intentionally hurt 2 people and one of them was my sister.
11.) I am often a lazy perfectionist.
12.) I am easily distracted.
13.) I have a fear of getting in my own way.
14.) I can be overly critical of others.
15.) I get easily stressed out.

Tomorrow I'll write the good things and then the day after I'll post a few poems about things that practically took place in another lifetime. You'll know what I mean when you read the post.

Recuperating With Sleep and Chili

I got 13 hours of sleep last night but my cold still isn't gone. Maybe another good sleep will do the trick. Anyway, today I walked for a good hour over ice and took pictures along the way. I stayed warm and upright the whole time. After walking half the distance to Down Town Silver Spring, I caught a bus and then visited my mom to get a blanket of mine among other things. Feeling super lucky about my timing, I got to bring homemade chili back to my new place.

So it was another day of recuperation which means there's still not much to talk about.

A Free-Write on Validation, Fear, and Self-Trust

I realize it's been nearly a week since my last blog, but nothing noteworthy has happened or been done in those days and I felt there was nothing to write about. (By the way, I know someone is cringing and thinking I should have written that "there was nothing about which to write", but since I fail to remember that rule while talking I figured it was more honest to write the way I speak.)

I am just now noticing that my obsessive need for validation extends to this blog. I have already recognized how frequently I feel the need to explain my choices or my circumstances to my boss, my professor or my friends and now I see it happening here. Lately, I've been trying to meditate on my fears and trying to find a way to make sure they don't keep affecting my behavior. My fears are extreme and my will to suppress them is extreme which makes for a perfect recipe for a nervous breakdown if I don't deal with it in some way. They've lessened for now and hopefully I will feel that I can trust myself through all the events to come.

Facing Fears

So yesterday, I spent the day reading a book entitled Intuitive Wellness with the idea of working through my cold a bit faster and to work on the major fears I still have. I'm not afraid of spiders, snakes or heights but I am afraid of the more common issues that arise in life such as failure, hearing 'no' after asking for something I want or need, and like just about everyone, I'm afraid of rejection. I have the hardest time trusting myself with just about anything. It used to be simple stuff like moving onto the next grade. For some reason, I was under the impression that each year would be astronomically harder than the last. Now, I've moved out and gotten my third job and I'm petrified of losing both.

This is a big reason for wanting to hike the trail. It will help me begin trusting myself thereby empowering me. Despite all the amazing things I've accomplished in my 22 years, I'm just as terrified as 10 year old would be about handling a job and affording rent. I can't make it too far in life if I'm stuck in a petrified state and this hike will provide the transformative experience I need in order to fully believe in myself and reach my full potential.

Be Grateful for the Bad Days

The last couple days were set aside for work and recuperation. This cold hasn't left yet and I've been working on maintaining a positive attitude even when everything is going wrong. Yesterday was a prime example of this challenge. Despite how many things weren't going my way, I did my best to not see it as bad luck or as an overall shitty day. Here are the punches I rolled with that day:

My day started at 6:00 yesterday. That morning I had put on six layers of shirts and three layers of pants as well as 2 pairs of socks and winter boots yet I was still feeling the cold as it was only about 10 degrees outside and the wait lasted a good 35 minutes. I had double checked the bus schedule that morning but failed to realize that it was Presidents' Day and therefore the buses were on a much more limited schedule than usual. So, due to this wait, I was ten minutes late to work for the second time in two weeks.

During the first hour of my shift, a parakeet got loose (which luckily wasn't my fault) and I helped keep track of where it flew as a group of us worked to catch the bird. That was the best part of my day; it was amusing and the chase ended successfully.

Yesterday was my first 6 hour shift so I got to have a half hour lunch break! Yay! Sadly, I had to wait 4 and a half hours into my shift before I could get the sustenance I need ever two hours. I had my lunch a full six hours after my last meal. Honestly, I was waiting for the moment when I'd collapse from hypoglycemia and dehydration. The shift fully consisted of cleaning out cages for hamsters, gerbils, rats, chinchillas and guinea pigs with the exception of the fire alarm that went off during the last hour of my shift. We all spent about 20 minutes in the cold as we waited for a fireman to give us the all clear.

The first bus I caught to head back from work arrived right as I got to the station, so I was feeling good about the trip home. However, the second bus route proved to be a problem, again due to the fact that it was Presidents' Day, something I was about to find out after another 40 minute wait. I saw two of every bus go by and none of them were going the direction I needed. I decided to end my wait in the cold by catching the 2nd 9 bus towards Wheaton despite needing the 8 bus to Wheaton. I got off early and walked to another bus stop to wait for bus 8 which came within the next 10 minutes. This bus finally got me home a good two hours after my shift ended and I made myself some tea and had cookies.

Once the barrage of hard knocks ended, I decided not to take any of the events personally. I see this all as a test of will given the fact that I want to through-hike the Appalachian Trail. Maintaining a positive attitude after all of these types of events is a crucial skill I'll need when I experience days in which everything goes wrong while on the hike.

Busy, Busy, Busy

The past couple days have been extremely exhausting. Part of the problem was that I had two or three nights of terrible sleep and was also trying to get over a cold while starting a new job and while working towards moving out which is practically impossible.

So, yesterday I spent about 4 hours cleaning cages housing gerbils and hamsters and had to lift them in and out of the display case. Half-way through I started getting light headed and parched. When I finished my shift my mom & I got fabric for curtains in my new place and then we came home and I did a bunch of chores and by the time I thought about updating this blog I was ready to go to bed.

Anyway, today I decided to join reddit so I could broaden my search and possibly use it as a way to promote my through-hiking fundraiser. It's been three days and not a single donation. I probably have to word my summary better or something. I'll figure it out soon enough.

Crowd-Funding Has Begun

So I launched my fundraiser via Indiegogo Life and used the following summary to hopefully gain people's interest enough to help me out.
"My name is Charlotte Taney and my goal for this trip (which will start next March) is to gain a feeling of self-empowerment and independence so that I can better help my future students to feel empowered as well. I need to fully embody the messages I want to convey to my students so that they will have the belief in themselves and the perseverance to make their own dreams happen. They need to know that no matter where they are in this moment, they can get to a much better place if they put forth the effort."
If you're interested in helping me out, donate by using this link:
https://life.indiegogo.com/fundraisers/through-hiking-the-appalachian-trail/x/9874516
Thanks!

What's Happening This Week

So I had my first day of work today. Which really means I did a 5 hour online training session. And the rest of the training will continue tomorrow. After that, on Wednesday, I'm going to finish setting up the basement I'll be moving into so that I can move in this weekend. My dad and I just have to add some shelves, buy a new mattress and set up my bed. And hopefully we'll also be able to give the carpet a thorough clean a couple days before I move in.

Good Things Are Happening

So, this coming week I'm going to be starting work on Monday; well, the training for it anyway. And then I will be finishing the job of clearing the space I will be moving into on the 15th. Luckily, this coming week, the earliest I will have to be in by is 8:00 am. Given the fact that I still don't drive, I will have to be getting up a whole 2 hours before I am to arrive at work to take public transportation. With any luck, I will have more days that start at 8:00 than at 7:00.
The only down side is that this week's schedule runs into the plans I had for Valentines Day so I'll be celebrating it with my boyfriend a week later. On the whole, everything is looking up. I'm gradually becoming a fully independent adult. My hope is that this independence is maintained; that I won't become what some call a "boomerang child" and have to move back into my mother's house.

Appalachian Trail Conservancy

Today I visited the ATC website to review some preparation tips and yesterday, I got a my first Appalachian Trail contact from a friend of mine whose mother works for the ATC. I haven't made the call yet, but I will once I've constructed a list of what I deem to be the most pertinent questions regarding a through-hike attempt. Last May, my dad and I visited Harper's Ferry and our timing could not have been more perfect because May is when you are most likely to run into through-hikers reaching the half-way mark. So obviously I struck up some conversations and asked a few people questions regarding how much money I'd need and how to avoid food and water shortages. I wanted to see if each hiker had the same budgeting suggestion and from what I heard I will need $3,000-$5,000 in order to complete this trip.

Things That Need Doing

Over the last couple days I've been pondering not only what to write in this new blog but also on how I'll reach the goal of through-hiking the Appalachian Trail next year. By the time this hike starts, I will need to have my driver's license and my teaching certificate so that when I'm done, I'll be able to start the next part of my life with relative ease. One other thing that I'll be doing while on the hike is raising money for charity by getting donations either per mile or per state.

So this year, aside from what I've already accomplished: completing a bachelor's degree, moving out of my mom's house and getting a job in pet care, I'll need to find the time and money to take driver's ed, take a few more online courses and raise money & prepare for what will be a 4-6 month trip if I hike between 12 and 15 miles a day.

A Beach, A Treasure Hunt and Some Craziness

A Day at the Beach

The cool sand beneath my feet
seeps between my toes
as I walk along the beach.
Pulsing waves spring to life
as I walk along the shoreline.
The cold ocean water reaches out
to touch my feet
and gather round my ankles.


Treasure Hunt

Take a look inside.
The room is empty.
Nothing exists but the breath.
No one exists but the self.
To be or not to be.
I think therefore I am.

But I shall not think.
I should just be.
For thoughts and things
cannot possibly
describe me.
Only the heart,
what’s in the heart
is what is me

Not the ego,
nor the items I own.
Not the clothes on my back
nor the friends by my side.
I need to look deeper,
dig deeper to find
joy, happiness,
myself.

Eternally Temporary

Rays of sunlight
gradually unlock the darkened vault—
unleashing hope
and restoring faith unto the world.
Darkness retreats
to the far corners of the vault.
Light continues to grow
and chase away the darkness.

Noon comes and goes.
As it leaves,
Darkness gains ground.
Eventually, the vault closes
and Darkness dominates once again.

Both the celestial vault
and the Earthen vault
encompass light
and dark impartially.


Crazy?

I walk, walk onto the sidewalk,
and talk, talk to myself.
I talk to myself about this and that.
I talk to the dog and my cat.

I can’t tell you why I do these things,
these crazy, crazy things.
But I can tell you this:
You do them too.

Nature Lover Poetry

A Lust for Nature

A cool wind ruffles my hair
gentler than a lover’s touch.
The rush of air relaxes my face
into a small grin.

I breathe a breath of air
so deep
it awakens my soul.
Gazing longingly at the
mountains,
I place myself there
among nature’s
beauteous landscape.

I listen to the
harmonious songbirds.
Delicate swaths
of vibrant green moss
carpet the forest floor.
A brilliant blue sky
blends seamlessly
with the distant horizon.


Sweet Memories 

I remember
the light tingling sensations
you get when teeny, tiny water droplets
land on the hairs of your arms.
I remember
the vast expanse of visible sky
and rolling mountains.
I remember
The billions of stars
that freckled the night sky.
I remember
frequent hikes through
dense forest and
the trampoline amidst
tall, wild grass.
I remember
summer’s sunsets
we used to watch
every evening with
watermelon juice
trickling down our arms
and across our faces.
I remember
quiet nights when
all you could hear
was the sigh of a stray car
as it rolled by
or wind blowing
through leaves.

I remember…


Mountain Mist

As the sun peeks over the horizon,
clouds fill the air and
decorate the mountain tops.
Between the sun and the rising mist,
the valleys are filled with
pastel shades of cerulean.
Each layered blue ridge and
each delicately obscured valley,
seem to add to the broadness
of the mountain range.
The way the mist embraces the
forested valleys, it seems clear
just how ancient these mountains are.

Just as people grow smaller
with wear and tear,
so must these lauded mountains.
Over hundreds of centuries,
rain has fallen, storms
have vandalized and
mist has clung to these mountains;
as reassuring as a loved one’s embrace.


Summer Sun

An illuminating sun
shines so bright,
it seems to reveal new
shades of green on the
slopes of Appalachia.

A near cloudless sky
holds a hue of blue that
gradually fades to
an off-white blue
as it approaches a
blue-gray horizon.

Upping Endurance

So I started thinking that one of the best ways to raise my endurance would be to participate in running events such as the Color Run, and a two day, 40 mile walk: the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer. The thing about the latter event is that I'd have to raise a heck of a lot of money in order to participate. With any luck I'll be able to raise the money before it starts in May.

A while ago I was also interested in trying the Tough Mudder but, I don't think I'd be able to gather enough people together to form a team. Plus there are people who have ended up in need of hospital care due to attempting such an obstacle course.

A third thing I plan to attempt before beginning the through-hike is to run until I hit the "wall" and then see if I can run through it. From what I learned in a personal fitness class at Montgomery College, when an athlete hits the wall it's because their body has switched from an easy access energy source, e.g. protein, and basically what ever you got from your last meal, to an energy form that's harder to access, e.g. fats. Turning your own fat into a source of energy takes more time so while going through this transition, you would generally have a mental and emotional breakdown and feel like quitting. Many people are unable to complete marathons because of the "wall" which is why I think it would be wise to test my ability to get through it before a >2,000 mile hike up the east coast.

Why Life Drives Us Crazy

How many people out there are driven crazy by their lives? By the people in them? By the circumstances that arise? Well, here's something to consider:

Perhaps life drives us crazy so that we can find sanity. Often times you have to travel through the dark to switch on the light. We're all seeking the light switch and in the mean time we're stumbling blindly through rooms and long corridors, driving each other crazy believing that everyone else is an idiot on the wrong track when in reality we're all equally clueless. That light switch isn't where we all think it is. It's not hiding in a shadow on the wall. We are the light and we only have to believe it to be true for others to see that our light is within all of humanity.

 As absurd as that seems, I truly believe this is accurate. We, as a whole population, create our own heaven and hell here on Earth. We hold both goodness and evil and as the Native American proverb goes, the one that lives is the one we feed. If you recognize your potential for greatness, you will be able to guide others towards discovering their own light. Listen to your own heart's guidance and follow it, and then maybe those around you will start listening for and following theirs.

Strayed, Wild, and Present

I saw the movie "Wild" this evening and despite all the hassle witnessed, I still want to through-hike the Appalachian Trail. I feel that the physical battle that will manifest will allow the emotional turmoil to move through me instead of having it trapped inside. The numerous issues I've carried throughout my life have at the very least gotten lighter, but I know there's more healing to be done.

This particular movie actually portrays this very well. Her physical struggle helped massage the grief out of her; it forced her to relive moments of her life and then come to terms with it all; the grief, the mistakes, everything. The journey forced her perspective to shift just enough so that her life seemed to matter again. She even managed to forgive herself and move forward.

When I through-hike the Appalachian Trail, I plan to finish letting go of the past and step purposefully into the present; no not the future, the present. I hope being on the trail will teach me how to remain entirely present and that I will be able to carry that knowledge through the rest of my life.

To Teach, To Hike (and to Hell With Normalcy)

So I've talked about my dream of hiking the AT but another huge goal of mine is to be a teacher; and they are more intrinsically linked than you might expect. Four to six months of introspection is something I feel I need in order to become the best version of myself which, I'll need to do before becoming a teacher. Children love to hear about other people's stories. If I complete this hike, I'll be able to share adventurous tales that will show them that no matter where they are in life at this moment, they can go anywhere they want if they put their mind to it. I want to be able to epitomize not just a dreamer, but a doer; someone who successfully follows their dreams despite, or perhaps because of, all the naysayers. Once I've hiked the trail, I will see my career as my dream job, not a job that's in the way of my other dream. It would be a mistake to become a teacher before finishing the Appalachian Trail because not all of my attention will be on the children; a good chunk of it will be focused on the hike I didn't make happen.

The other types of things I want to be able to teach them is that, every single person they ever run into, will be able to teach them something and vice-versa. Due to this reciprocity, we need to respect each of those people. I also hope to show them why they shouldn't fall for the fallacy of the word "normal". We all have made up our own definitions in our head as to what that word really means and very few of them would match up. And since there are people from all corners of the earth living in all other corners of the earth, the word has become moot. My last and, to my mind, strongest point that proves this is that if someone can say I'm normal, then, seriously, what the hell does that mean. I was adopted when I was six and I've felt like an outcast at almost every school; there's no way that word applies to me; and yet someone used "normal" to describe me one day.

To Through-Hike the Appalachian Trail

Although there was, predictably, a definite lack of focus in my first entry, the three items that ended up on the page are the types of things I'll be discussing in this blog. I love writing and hiking and I've been trying for the last few years to become more enlightened. In the end, I hope to enjoy a journey that includes all three while through-hiking the Appalachian Trail next year. In this blog, I will be posting what I've done to physically and mentally prepare for the trip as well as some of the reasons I feel the desire, and really almost a need, to complete this type of journey.
If I end up lucky enough to start getting hundreds of page views, I'll start asking the public for advice on how to not only prepare for the trek but also how to find a group of experienced hikers to go with. My hope is that I can hike with at least one person who has done a through hike before.

A Welcoming Stream of Consciousness

Welcome to my first blog! I've finally decided that as a "wanna be writer" I should have something a bit better than a gazillion half filled journals around the house. I've been filling them up as halfheartedly as some of the photo albums I have and one of them is sooo nice that I'm worried no story will do it justice; I mean it's a leather-bound journal that was handmade in Italy, what on earth am I supposed to write in that?
Don't get me wrong, I love writing, it's just that I'm more likely to write an occasional poem than complete a whole book. I almost view it as an emergency form of self-expression despite how meditative I find the experience. For me, writing, like hiking, forces me to be introspective. These activities help me separate the essential and non-essential parts of my reality as well as allow me to alter my perspective of negative events. The latter is one of the most self-empowering things you can learn to do. Here's an example of what I mean:
One evening, I was admiring an incredible, awe-inspiring sunset that had numerous streaks of sunlight poking out from behind the clouds; I mean this was happening all along the western horizon and in this moment, I had the most extraordinary insight. I realized that evening that it's not the sun that makes a sunset beautiful, nor is it the clouds; it's the juxtaposition of light and dark, of sun and shadow that made it spectacular. This goes for our lives as well. Our lives aren't beautiful because they're perfect or easy and they're certainly not beautiful because they're entirely filled with gloom. Our lives are awe-inspiring because of both our struggles and triumphs.
Life is a journey and we need to learn to treat it as such. We're going to hit mountains and valleys, paved roads and marshes. If you're really struggling to find the light in your life, start creating your own. Find a dream worth striving for and do it; choose to turn you're life around now. It helps if you can remember a time when you were happy and then work on figuring out just what it was that made you feel that way. It could just be that you were so care free then, or maybe you found out that you were able to help those less fortunate. Whatever it was, find it and pursue it as though your life depended on it and don't let setbacks prevent you from reaching that dream of yours.