To Find A Cure

    Despite what I have been writing the last few days, a whole lot of things have been weighing on my mind simultaneously that I did not want to write because I have already written my misery out in a thousand different ways and I didn't want to write it out in a thousand more. I will say that I want my suffering to serve a purpose and that purpose to serve the world. I know I don't need to dwell on the past any more. I want to wake up one day and remember how to live. How to fully live in the present, how to let the passing thoughts pass without engaging them for too long. Our minds can either be a prison or a garden for planting our dreams and watching them grow...and until recently, my mind was becoming a prison again. Anyway, with that I will try to begin my meditative writing practice and see what I come up with.

I feel like I have to think big
and have enormous dreams
or else my past will continue
to have the power to imprison me.

I need to believe, with my entire
heart, mind, and soul,
that I can give my suffering meaning,
give it purpose
and that purpose will serve the world.

Why else would I have had such hardships,
if not to give the world something better?
I want to find the cure to my suffering,
to our suffering...
and to then administer it to those who are ready.

I've faced thoughts of death.
I've faced the height of self-flagellation
and self-sacrifice.
I was equal parts ready to give up
and ready to surmount and overcome;
Simply because I didn't want my story to end that way;
I wanted a chance to write a better ending for myself.
So I have dreamed BIG.

Since I have made it this far,
I feel it is only fair to share
how I have progressed.
Firstly, believe in your capacity to heal yourself,
but be aware that the process is not linear;
do not get discouraged when you feel
as though you have backtracked.
Know that crying and raging
are forms of emotional release;
express them safely and without self-judgement.

Secondly, be willing to accept help from others;
everyone is trying to heal themselves
and your friends may have more to offer than you expect.
Work on accepting compliments;
start with just saying 'thank you'
even if you can't believe the compliments yet.

Keep climbing, keep searching, keep growing.
Keep acquiring tools to add to your toolbelt.
You will undoubtedly feel like Sisyphus
pushing a boulder up a steep mountain day after day,
yet I assure you, the daily effort is worth it;
People, places, and circumstances
are going to begin triggering you less and less.

Granted, I admit,
Even I have a ways to go yet.
I have yet to feel the divinity of my womanhood,
I have yet to feel divine, sacred, and cherished. 
I still find it hard to wholly believe these things;
but I know that I am divine, sacred, and cherished
and that one day I will feel the truth in that statement.
I find that it always takes time
for your heart to catch up to the knowledge in your mind. 

When Daydreams Become Real

     Looking back, the most extraordinary thing occurred to me in the midst of all my mental anguish. Whenever I thought about dying so I could start my life over with a childhood free of trauma, two positive whisperings interrupted my melancholy. One being, "What are you talking about? After your adoption in January of 1999, your childhood experiences were pretty damn close to idyllic. Sure there were exceptions and they may have stung more for you due to the half-remembered misery of the past, but you and your sister had 7 acres of open farmland to explore, to go sledding on, or to wander down a meandering creek in the woods." The second was, "What if I, somehow, get a chance to hike the Appalachian Trail? I've got to stick around to find out." And lo and behold, that dream of through-hiking the trail came true about 5 years later in 2016. Aside from not knowing (at the time of these musings) whether or not I'd ever get started, I felt certain that once my hike began, I would be able to complete the whole challenge barring any major injury or illness.

    I'm sharing this, because at the moment, I have another very profound and far-reaching dream that I hope with all my heart will also come true. This dream first washed over me in 2018 while in England and it seemed to be a vision God shared with me; it feels just as real and tangible some days as the dream I had of hiking the famous 2,000 mile trail. My hope is that by the time I've gotten my masters and/or PhD, that I will be able to create a job that doesn't currently exist. A job in which I'd be helping children and teachers alike. A job that will allow me to continue healing from my own childhood experiences. And this wonderful experience will be entirely different from any other because I will have truly found my voice and feel unashamed of speaking my truth. I would have become so full of self-assurance that the words and actions of others that would have triggered me back into invisibility would do nothing more than sting. I really hope that I am speaking and writing this into existence.

A Little Bit of Medicine

    "For when you embrace your medicine you not only heal yourself, you become the healing that is needed in the world around you... Open your soul to the world, and live your medicine. Only then will you fulfill your highest potential; your true divine purpose." --Kristin Smith

Dear Mother, Father, God,
I open my heart to Your divine loving presence.
Dear Mother, Father, God,
I open my soul to Your infinite wisdom and perfect guidance.
I invite and invoke you, Mother, Father, God into my being.
May I see and feel Your presence within me.
May I know and feel within my very bones,
that I am loved and cherished by You,
that I am guided, protected, and even nourished
by Your loving grace, by Your unconditional loving compassion.
Until today, I have felt unwanted, unneeded, and unlovable.
And I thank you Mother God for the miracle of healing this misperception.
Until today I have believed myself to be unworthy and undeserving of Your good.
But I thank you Father God for the miracle of healing this misperception.
Until today, I have felt abandoned, forsaken, and punished by You, and until today I have blamed myself and You for the suffering I endured.
But I thank you Mother, Father, God for the miracle of healing and releasing the pain of these false ideations.
I now see the truth, if only the start of the truth.
I now see Your love and light in every part of my path.
I now see where You protected me
and why You couldn't protect me
from that which I chose by selecting this path.

I forgive You, Mother, Father, God, knowing with all my heart
that there is nothing to forgive.
And I forgive my father, knowing with all my soul
that there is nothing to forgive.
And I forgive myself for all I endured,
knowing with all my being that there is nothing to forgive.

I take this moment to envision my future.
The future I will step into as God herself.
The future I will claim as God herself.
It will be the one envisioned by my soul before I was born.
It will be solely for bringing forth healing,
healing for the children of the world,
the inner children within the elders,
and of course to heal my own childhood self.
My childhood pain represents all children's pain,
and therefore my healing will represent
the healing of all others.
Let this be so. And so it is. Amen.

To Water Down Our Grief

"We draw our strength from the very despair in which we have been forced to live. We shall endure." --César Chávez

I am grateful
for my sorrow,
for my pain,
for my grief.
For these have led me to discover
my own inner strength.
These have taught me
just how much I am capable of
and prepared me to
address the needs of others.

It is thanks to my turbulent past
that I can remain calm in a crisis.
Whenever other people
have needs that must be met,
I am able to put
my own emotions aside
and help them.
But what if we could take this to another level...?

What if we could
water down our grief
with gratitude?

What if we could
water down our anxiety
with gratitude?

What if the answer
to all our deepest pain and sorrow
is to remember what we are grateful for?

How much easier
would life be
if we gave that a try;
If we found a way to remember
to interrupt our negative thoughts with,
        Thank God I made it through.
        Thank you God, for allowing me
        to carry so many fond memories.
        Thank you God, for giving me
        the strength and courage to keep on living.
        Thank you God, for my wonderful family
        and my fabulous friends.

And so I continue with even more thanksgiving:
        Thank you God, for each of my trials
        for they have caused me to cherish and to savor
        every delectable moment
        of blissful euphoria.
        Thank you for each of my tribulations,
        for they have given me
        a much more profound sense of gratitude
        for even the smallest visions of beauty;
        It does not take much
        for me to be filled to the brim
        with contentment.

My Inconceivable Gratitude

The words "thank you" do not have
the depth to hold the gratitude I feel.
There is no way to measure
the impact of your kindness
nor the appreciation I have
for your sweet and tender embrace.
There is no way to express
just how grateful I am.
For you have given to me
an enchanting, luscious spring
with bountiful blossoms of every color
after an enduring, arduous, and desolate winter.

And you didn't just bring spring.
You brought me the promise
of a new spring to come
whenever winter takes hold again.

You cannot measure the gratitude
of one whose strife has ended;
we take nothing for granted
after having known
the mind-numbing effects of scarcity.
You cannot measure the appreciation
of one who turns their face to the sun
after having been lost
in sorrow filled oblivion.
We take nothing for granted.

The words "thank you" do not have
the depth to hold the gratitude I feel.
There is no way to measure
the impact of your kindness,
nor the appreciation I have
for the love you've shared with me.
So I will say,
        Thank you from the bottom of my heart and soul
        for the profusions of blossoms,
        for the golden sunlight against
        the lively green leaves,
        for bringing to me this luscious spring. 
        Thank you for changing my world.

What If I Lost Nothing

What if I had actually
gained more than I lost?
What if that which I gained
was truly worth
so much more
than that which I lost?

I may have thought that I had lost my innocence.
I may have believed that I had lost my ability to love.
It may have seemed that I'd always choose to be alone.
But I've since learned that none of these are true.

I may have thought myself
the eternally unwanted cast-away.
I may have believed that I could never belong.
It may have seemed as though
no one would choose to love me.
But I have since learned that none of these are true.

I may have missed
so many firsts.
I may have misplaced
my sense of self
and my sense of worth.
I may have viewed myself
less than human.
I may have thought myself
one who wasn't worth
standing up for or protecting.
Yet there is hope.
Because aside from the missed experiences,
none of the rest will have
a permanent residence
in my mind.

Much of what I had thought lost,
has only briefly been misplaced.
And when you consider
what I have since gained,
the loss was worth it.

For I have a deeper knowledge of healing.
I have a deeper understanding
of one's emotional needs.
I know how to find myself again.
I know how to overcome most anything.
I know how to unlearn powerlessness.
And when I finally learn
to love myself unconditionally,
I'll know the way to full transformation.

But the most essential thing I've gained
is the knowledge that
nothing I feared gone had left me;
it was simply waiting to be found again;
the only thing I ever lost was my way.
And once I've regained my path,
I'll always know my way back,
and I'll remember that nothing was ever lost.

My Dear Angels

My dear angels,
please grace me with your presence.
Please bring your healing light
to and through my tender heart.
My dear angels,
please rest your hands
upon my forehead
and quiet my turbulent mind
so that I may rest peacefully.

As I close my eyes,
I ask you to please
show me the bigger picture
so I can begin to accept
that all the pieces fit,
that each moment,
no matter the color,
has been woven together
into an elegant tapestry.
May I see how the darkness
does not and cannot
mar the beauty.

I ask you,
my dear angels,
to please show me
that my path is,
and has already been,
well worth it.
For there are
still times when I wonder;
there are still times
when I imagine
a different start.

And I feel I must
fully envision
the divine purpose
of the darkness I endured.
I feel I must
view the masterpiece,
for that is what it is,
in its entirety.

So may my vision
be unlimited in its scope,
may it draw far enough away
from my ego's perceived reality,
that it encompasses all there is.