A Prayer to Replace the Darkness

Mother, Father, God, I invite You and I invoke You into my heart
so that it may carry only love.
Mother, Father, God, I invite You and I invoke You into my mind
so that it may carry only peace.
Mother, Father, God, I invite You and I invoke You into my soul
so that it may carry only light.

Dear God, until today I have carried  in my heart
the heavy burdens of self-judgement and self-reproach.
Dear God, until today I have carried in my mind
the heavy burdens of chaos and turmoil.
Dear God, until today I have carried in my soul
pockets of darkness where I felt certain of my inferiority,
pockets of darkness where I felt I must remain hidden and silent,
pockets of darkness where I felt the absence of love.

Dear Mother, Father, God, I invite You into the places within my heart
that have long doubted the presence of Your love for me.
May Your loving compassion support and assure my heart today.
Dear Mother, Father, God, I invite You into the places within my mind
that have long carried shame, guilt, and fear.
May Your loving grace teach me to view myself as Your beloved and holy child.
Dear Mother, Father, God, I invite You into the places within my soul
that have long wished to feel Your embrace but could only bear witness to the pain.
May Your loving light seep into all the dark pockets of my soul that have longed for dawn yet felt only the chill of the night.

Dear God, please fill my heart, mind, and soul with Your infinite loving grace.
Dear God, please replace the darkness with Your infinite healing light.
Dear God, please replace the nightmares that roam through my mind with Your infinite peace.
Thank You, God. Thank You, God. Thank You, God.
Let this be so. And so it is. Amen.

#MeToo Prayer

    Today I am sharing a prayer I wrote in honor of the #metoo movement on the morning of October 23rd.     As a survivor myself, there is a certain kind of grief that fills my chest whenever a news-story mentions r*pe/sexual assault; I grieve for all my fellow survivors. So this morning when I woke with this weight on my heart, I came up with a prayer.

Dear Mother, Father, God, please fill this grief with love, light, grace, & peace. Dear Mother, Father, God, please fill this grief with love, light, grace , & peace until it overflows to all those who share this grief & shame with me. Dear Mother, Father, God, please comfort us with Your loving assurance, please embrace us with tenderness. Dear Mother, Father, God, please erase our fears, please erase our shame & guilt. Fill us instead with Your strength, Your power, Your infinite healing light. As we grieve & mourn our perceived powerlessness & loss of innocence, please dear God, fill our heavy hearts with Your love, light, grace, & peace. Remind us that our traumas can't separate us from Your love. Remind us that we are still perfect, whole, & complete. Remind us that nothing we experience is proof of having been abandoned by You. Fill our hearts, dear God. Fill our heavy hearts, dear God, with peace that surpasses all understanding. Asé. Aho. Amen. Let this be. And so it is.

Re-Parenting Oneself

    I have learned a lot about why I so often feel like I am walking a tight-rope between sanity and insanity. I recently watched "The Wisdom of Trauma" and Dr. Gabor Mate says in the documentary that many of us have a tendency to react to the present as if we were experiencing the past. Everything we see, we see through the lens of our past pain and this means we constantly struggle to be present. Along with the book, The Soul of Prosperity, written by Rev. Jim Webb, I have also been reading Never Broken by the Alaskan singer-song writer, Jewel and Scattered Minds: The Origins and Healing of Attention Deficit Disorder, by Gabor Mate. Today, I'll just briefly talk about Never Broken.

    In Jewel's book she says that at some point on her journey she realized she had to re-parent or re-nurture herself... There's a whole lot of truth to that, but I have currently been parenting myself as reluctantly, and in some ways as savagely, as my own biological parents tried to raise us. By the time we left our biological parents we had already begun to carry our own bullies in our heads. We didn't need anyone else to berate us for not being good enough or for being overly emotional. My siblings and I have carried with us, to this day, an internal monologue that mirrors what our biological parents said to us...even though we can't remember their words, the emotional impact of our own words have been just as wounding as theirs.

    So not only did I become my own worst enemy, but once my life was good, I didn't want to grow up. So here I am now, the reluctant parent. In many ways I feel like I'm looking at life through the lens of my 8 year old self. I didn't want to grow up and now I'm experiencing all the reasons why. The responsibility of finding a place to live and searching for a new job that you pray you won't hate... I never wanted any part of the grown-up world, let alone re-parenting myself. In order to re-parent myself well, I need to learn to love myself unconditionally, which feels like a tall order.

Another Brief Prayer

Dear Mother, Father, God, I call on You right now.
Dear Mother, Father, God, I invoke Your presence here in this very moment.
Please fill me with Your strength and certainty, God, so that I may live courageously.
Please fill me with Your light and peace, God, so that I may live harmoniously.
Please, dear God, hold my hand as I step into my power, into my light.
Allow me to carry the courage and peace needed to lift my head high and walk into the world as an emissary of Your light and grace.
Dear God, erase my fears of the past repeating itself. Remind me that nowhere in the world am I unsafe.
Dear God, erase my fears of losing control. Remind me God, that I am perfect as I am. Please, dear God, restore my faith, my faith in myself and my faith in You. I wish to perceive the world through Your eyes, God, so please show me the divine order in the chaos I believe to be outside of me.
Thank you, God.
Thank you, God.
Thank you, God.
Amen.

Replacing Fears with Prayers

Prayers to address the following fears and concerns that arose this past week:
    Sometimes, I don't feel strong enough for the path I've chosen. I feel as though no matter how much healing I experience, I cannot manifest coherence in my life. I'm beginning to feel worn out. I don't know if I'll ever be able to leave this labyrinth of chaos behind. I heal a deep layer, sometimes many layers and then something explodes in my face.
 
    Please, dear God, help me see the grace in this chaos. Please dear God, share with me how this chaos is actually divine order. My faith is wearing thin, God, so please aid me in bolstering my faith right now. My heart has grown doubtful and is beginning to feel betrayed by You, God.
    So please, dear God, fill my heart with peace. Please, dear God, fill my heart with the infinite love You would have it know. Strengthen my heart with Your healing light. Restore a sense of peace to my heart today, God, for my heart is still trying to recover from the traumas of this lifetime and many others.
    Dear God, fill my mind once again with the certainty that You are always looking out for me. Dear God, fill my mind once again with the certainty that I am loved and cared for by the universe. Dear God, please strengthen the vision and the voice of my soul so that I may ignore the ego's lies and illusions.
    Dear God, I do not feel strong enough to fulfill Your vision for me, so please, lend me Your strength. Dear God, I do not feel whole enough to fulfill Your vision for me, so please show me my wholeness now. Dear God, I do not feel at peace enough to fulfill Your vision for me so please bless me with Your peace right now. Dear God, I do not feel wise enough to fulfill Your vision for me, so please pour Your wisdom into my crown. Dear God, I do not feel healed enough to fulfill Your vision for me. So please, dear God, grace me with Your healing light. 

    Dear God, please bring Your infinite love, Your infinite light, and Your infinite healing energy to and through the heart of my inner child. Please dear God, teach her; show my inner child what peace feels like. I was born into a warzone, God, so my inner child does not yet know the true meaning of peace; it is a foreign entity to her God. So please, Mother, Father, God, angels and ancestors, send my inner child all Your love, light, and healing grace. Light a candle in her darkness, in her hiding place and sit with her. Dear Mother, Father, God, angels, and ancestors, take her hand in Yours and comfort her. Hold her, rock her, caress her. Dear Mother, Father, God, angels, and ancestors, may the light You bring to her cut our chains to the trauma; may the light You bring to her free her from despair, free her from the feelings of shame and humiliation. Dear Mother, Father, God, angels, and ancestors, may the love You bring to her restore her faith, restore her sense of self-worth.
    I was born into a warzone, God, so please send my inner child a steady river of healing grace, of loving light. I ask that this river of healing remains constant so that, in time, she will trust You again, God. Let Your river of infinite love, light, and healing eternally flow through the heart of my inner child. Let Your infinite peace eternally flow into the mind of my inner child until Your peace displaces the warzone I have imagined still exists around me now. Dear God, let my inner child carry peace of mind. Let my inner child carry joy in her heart again. Dear God, let my inner child remember Your deep and abiding love for her; let her remember that Your grace surrounds her always. Let her remember that she is safe in Your loving arms. Amen. Asé. Aho. Let it be so. And so it is.

And now,
I picture an angel
placing around my shoulders
a blanket of peace.
It is so soft
it distracts me
from any residual discontent. 

No Enemy to Fight

Day by day,
I am learning how to accept myself.
Day by day,
I am learning how to embrace myself.

Step by step,
I am beginning to accept my past.
Step by step,
I am beginning to embrace my path.

Though the road has often been treacherous,
though things have not been easy,
I am starting to appreciate
where the road has taken me.

Everything has led to where I am now;
a place of belonging,
a place overflowing with love,
a place where I could learn to sing.

I am starting to understand
that my past is not my enemy.
I am starting to see
that my idiosyncrasies are not my enemy.
In fact, there are no enemies for me to fight.
Just my ego calling for love
after feeling hurt and abandoned.

The Love That Never Left

    As you are a soul, nothing from this world can tarnish your holiness. As you are a soul, no form of violence can mar your perfection. You have believed that if you had ever been a beloved and holy child of God, it was before your trauma. You have believed that if you had ever been an innocent, sacred, and divine being, it was before you were vandalized. But I would assure you that in truth, you are My beloved and have always been, and as My beloved child, you cannot be defiled. You have also believed that I could not love you and let this happen. But I promise you, My love for you never left. You have always been surrounded by it, embraced by it.
    Please know that I do not want My children to suffer, but you had wanted to come here to suffer so that one day you might learn that you need not do so. Not only that, but you wanted to try to teach people this truth. The path you chose for this incarnation has not been easy, I know this; but you wanted to do something powerfully good with it, something beautifully loving with it. Your soul is whole. Your soul is loved. Your soul is made in God's image and with God's perfect vision. Be rest assured that nothing on your path has ever had the power to take you away from My love. Be rest assured that nothing on your path has ever had the power to strip away My gifts to you. I love you through eternity and my gifts to you remain yours through eternity.

No Finish Line; Bringing Light Into the Dark

    For the longest time I have felt the need for there to be a finish-line for my healing journey and that only if and when I crossed it could I be worthy, only when I crossed it could I be deserving, could I be lovable. But there is no finish-line...and it took me a while to be ok with that. Because when I realized there's no finish-line, I felt it meant I would never worthy, deserving, or lovable. Now I am beginning to see it in a different way. One, the reason there is no finish-line is because healing is not linear and also because time is an earthly construct. Time doesn't exist on the other side of the veil, not the way it does here on the earth plane. Secondly, I have begun to realize that we should approach the healing journey with the open curiosity of a child exploring. The child does not have a destination in mind, nor does the child judge what he/she finds. The child looks at every new thing with wonder...which just might be another word for love. Learn to love every landmark, learn to look at the whole of your healing journey with wonder.

Bringing Light Into the Dark

You are not running out of time.
There is no race, there is no finish-line.
Your journey within is much more important
than your life-path, than your story.

What you bring to your dark surroundings
is more important than the darkness.
What you bring to the wounded
is more important than that which wounded you.
What you bring to the blind
is more important than that which stole your sight.
For you are bringing light into the dark
and you have chosen to do so.

You came here to be a shining light for those who could not see.
You came here to restore your vision and that of humanity.
You came here to be a light in the dark.

Angels of light fell from heaven
like shooting stars into the deepest nights.
They wished to kindle fires of hope
within the souls who lost their way.
But the only way to do so,
was to feel wounded by the wounded,
was to feel the root of humanity's pain
and to then transform that pain and sorrow
into something new.

You are not the darkness you have seen around you.
You are a holy being bringing light into the dark.
You are not the swirling shadows that have surrounded you.
You are a sacred being bringing light into the dark.
You are not the heavy storm clouds that clash with thunder and lightning.
You are God's beloved bringing light into the dark.

And there is no finish-line for the angels of light to cross.
Just keep shining your light into the night.

Disempowering the Past

The first step you must take to disempower the past is to stop condemning yourself for how the past has shaped you. Stop condemning yourself for your idiosyncrasies, your maladaptive behaviors and patternings. Acknowledge that you have always done the best you can and believe wholeheartedly that your best is and has always been enough.

The next step you must take to disempower the past is to begin to allow the light that you carry, the light that you are, to take precedence over your story. Allow yourself to experience, fully experience, the light that you are. You are the Light of God, not your trauma. You are the Love of God, not your past, not your fears. You are the Grace of God. Not your less than pleasant circumstances or upbringing. Be the Light. Be the Light. Be the Light. Remember who you are and be the Light of God.

The Magic That's Within

    Over the last week or so, I have been taking the time to internalize what had originally felt like two truths that could not be reconciled. I may have experienced trauma in my past but I am still a loved and lovable. I may have gone through heavy storms but I am still a sacred and beloved child of God. Until recently, I could not accept both as simultaneously true because my human consciousness has obviously thought that if I were all of these good things, then my outer world would have reflected that. It has believed that the past trauma was clearly proof that I am not loved or lovable, sacred or divine. Now I am beginning to accept the veracity of both. It has been very challenging because it is a lot like trying to believe in Santa Clause again after learning he isn't real. On the plus side of that statement; imagine how joyous an experience it would be to believe in magic again.

I am learning to believe again
in the magic that's within.
I'm starting to see the signs,
that I am, in fact, divine.

I am learning to believe again
in the holiness within.
I'm starting to see a trace,
of my own indwelling grace.

It has taken me a while
to find a way to reconcile
that though I've walked through darkness,
I am not the dark;
that though I've been through many hell-scapes
I am not the flames.

It has taken me a while
to find a way to reconcile
that though I've walked through storms,
I am neither
the furious wind
nor the hammering rain.

I am learning to believe again
in the magic that's within.

God Is In the Silence

I'm currently reading a book called All the Light We Cannot See, and I have been wanting to try to write something with that line in mind. 

God is the wind beneath my wings
allowing me to soar.
God is the warm summer rain falling through the foliage
allowing me to grow.

God is the glistening dew
that settles on the petals of wildflowers,
adding jewels to their colorful crowns,
reminding me of the blessing found
in shedding ones own tears.

God is the sun that warms my back,
reminding me it's there
even when my back is turned,
even when I sometimes choose
to lose myself in the shadows I cast upon the ground.

God is in all the light we cannot see
between the raindrops and the breeze.
God is in all the light we cannot see,
the light that burgeons out from opening hearts
and blossoms from open hands.

God is in the silence,
in the peaceful stillness that wraps around you
as you prepare to go to sleep.
God is in the melody birds offer us each morning.
God is in the breath I breathe, in the love I give, and in the words I share.

Hidden Fury

    While in Arizona I began asking myself where I tucked all my anger away. I have known for a while now that though I cannot access it and I can't feel it, that it is simply hidden away. It's improbable for one to go through a harrowing past like mine and not hold any anger towards the person or towards God. I've been angry at God plenty, but have felt indifferent towards my father. Not only that, but I feel as though I have to suppress my anger when around other people so I won't lose those I care about. I have had this belief that there is a thin tether between me and those I love and that it is easily snapped if I step out of line...by getting angry at them or angry around them. I feel as though I need the people around me to believe I'm always happy or something. 

    So back to the hidden rage... I picture it in a plain wooden box with a lid that slides open... But I can't open it yet, because the box is surrounded by a massive Gordian knot and each twist of the knot represents the false beliefs I have about anger, specifically my own anger. Aside from the false belief mentioned above, I also tend to believe that it is unsafe for me to express my rage and fury. I have also felt extreme guilt when I used to copy our biological parents Motus operandi  by first yelling at and then hitting my sister when she didn't respond to my fury the way I wanted her to. (I was 4, 5, and 6 years old at those times and my sister found it hilarious when I yelled at her since my voice would crack and my face would turn bright red.) This guilt caused me to push the anger down even further. I have also believed anger and sadness to be childish emotions to show. Even though I couldn't stop the tears (even in public) I'd feel immense shame when my grief spilled over like that.

I recently let some of that anger out in private, but I barely scratched the surface.

Let the Past Die

    So, the piece I just finished writing that I split into four separate parts was inspired by a couple different people. One person had me close my eyes and imagine being imprisoned in a dark chamber and then instructed me to try to find a way out. The second person told me to look for my practically feral inner child somewhere deep in a cluttered basement. I modified that bit and made the primary obstacle darkness. My goal is to find a way to get the inner child to trust me again since I had denied her everything for so long. On top of that, she points out that she can't trust me because I don't believe what I say. I've tried to sugar-coat things, tried to claim that the past does not matter, to I wave it off as insignificant. But that is why I wrote a while back that "the past taught me x, but now I know y." I know I have to acknowledge the significance of the past in the way it sculpted me and my personality; it would be foolish to claim otherwise. I can't tell you how eager I am to drop this load and walk away from it already.

Let the Past Die

My past force-fed me lies.
It had me believing myself to be weak.
It had me believing that I was unlovable.
It had me believing I was undeserving of good.
My past force-fed me lies.
Please, dear God, let the past die.

I see the truth, I know the truth,
but I still don't believe the truth.
I have lived off the torment of lies
and now I wish to be nourished by what's true.
And what's true is that I can't be weak
and capable of walking through the wilderness for 6 months.
What's true is that I can't be unlovable
and experience the loving support of my community.
What's true is that I can't be undeserving of good
and a child of God born in and with the Love and Grace of God.

I say and write the words but don't believe what I say.
The proof is laid before me,
but I struggle to let go of the force-fed lies.
Please, dear God, let the past die.

A Way Out (finale)

"Keep knocking," I tell her. "I'm going to try a couple things."
She does as I say and I crawl towards the sound.
When I reach the right place,
I feel for any seams that might betray a hidden door,
hoping I can just press it in and have it click open.
"Come on. Come on. Give me something."

"Please hurry."

"Oh! I got something! Let me see if it works."
The knocking stops as I gently press within the seams I found and hear a promising click. Nothing happens.
I try it again and push harder. Click. Creeaak.
The door to the crawl space opens stiffly.
"Hello?" 
"Help. I'm still stuck. Grab my hand."
I reach blindly into the crawl space for a tiny hand.
After a brief moment I feel something cold and clammy and grab hold.
As I pull hard, I feel a second small hand seize mine.
I need both my hands to keep my grip and I try pulling from her wrists.
"What are you stuck in?"
"I don't know."
I army crawl into the crawl space to see if I can figure out what has her trapped and ease her out.
In mere seconds I realize why she's stuck.
There are voices of fear filling my mind telling me that it is dangerous to leave,
that it will be worse "out there" than it is here.
She wants out, but she and I, even now, don't believe it's safe to leave.
I try to ignore the new fears or push them out of my head,
but they fill my being with dread.
While reeling in the midst of this internal chaos,
one small sliver of my conscious mind hooks my arms under the arms of the girl and pulls yet again.
Somewhere deep within that small sliver of consciousness, a prayer suddenly blossoms into my frenzied mind, calming it.
It springs unbidden, out through my voice,

"Let me see myself as I am in light.
Let me know myself as I am in light.
Let me see myself as I am in love.
Let me know myself as I am in love."

The prayer appears to be calling in the light of the universe.
Oddly, as the light streams in, the crawl space and the damp, smelly tunnels cease to exist. We're surrounded by light on all sides and is so intense, we close our eyes.
When we dare to open them again,
we are standing before a massive blue-green lake
with an almighty mountain as its backdrop.
After the journey through the darkness,
I am eager to wade into the water to cleanse my mind, body, and soul.
Still holding my inner child's hand, I ask if she wants to join me.
Wide-eyed, she nods yes and we slowly walk into the chilly water,
our skin tingling, both with cold and delight.

A Way Out (part 3)

"What can I do to help you trust me?"

"Nothing! Go away!"
I can hear the unuttered, "I hate you!" in the echoing silence.

"I promise, I didn't mean to.
I didn't know what I was doing.
I put you here in an effort to keep us safe."

"I don't care. Don't look for me." 

"I'm so sorry I believed the lies.
I thought it wasn't safe
to allow you to express yourself.
I thought that was why we had been hurt
and abandoned so often.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean to."
My face is wet and it takes me a moment
to realize that I'm crying.

Drip. Drip-drip. Drip.
The next thing I hear is, "Getting me out isn't enough.
You've got to make this up to me.
Thanks to you, I don't trust anyone.
Thanks to you, I don't know who I am."

"I promise to make it up to you.
Whatever you want.
Whatever you need."

She surprises me with her request:
"First I need you to stop lying.
You can't tell me it's ok to be sad and angry
when you don't believe it yourself.
You may say words that are true,
but I know you don't believe them.
Your words of comfort have always been hollow.
So don't use words. Just be there."

"Ok. I promise," I say as I inch my way forward.
"Where are you?"

"Keep walking... Keep walking...
I can hear your footsteps somewhere over my head."

I start crawling in case I stumble across steps or a second trap door.
"Am I getting closer?"

"You've got to find a way down here. I'm here. I'm right here. Please hurry!"

Suddenly my foot snags on something.
I turn around and search for the culprit with my hands.
"I got it!" I exclaim as my fingers brush another metal ring.
"I'm coming."
I heave up on it with all my might
and it slams against the ground.
To my chagrin, there is still no light below
and now it also stinks to high heaven.
With another short prayer,
I do my awkward drop to the floor
and discover there is even more water here,
if you could call it that.

It's eerily quiet again.

"Hello?" I call out.

Silence.

"Hello? Where are you?"
I know I'm close.
I feel the deep shame me and my inner child carry.
This place reeks of shame.
I'm ashamed of myself for placing her here
and I know she's ashamed of being found in this dark, smelly place
and we both carry the shame of the pain we share.
But I know now, better than ever,
that there is no reason we should.
Drip. Drip. Drip.
Then a barely audible whisper,
"I'm here. Down here. But I'm stuck."
A knocking sound reaches my ear
and I realize she's trapped in a closed space
almost as low as the baseboards. 

A Way Out (part 2)

Stretching my arms out to the walls,
I realize I seem to be in a tunnel.
There is still an echoing voice
and though I cannot make out the words,
it is clear she is desperate for help.

I close my eyes focusing my attention on the sound,
trying to pinpoint where it is coming from.
With one hand on the damp, rocky wall,
I begin to make my way toward the child.
Careful not to trip on the uneven ground,
I move as quickly as I dare.

It takes a while before the echoing cries sound closer.
Suddenly I am able to decipher the words.
She's calling out "Help! Help! Let me out! Let me out! Please! Let me out!"
Her voice is strong, but raspy, like her throat is sore from shouting.
I want to break out into a run, but I still can't see.
All I can do is yell back, "I'm coming! I'm coming!"

A sudden overwhelming quiet hits me like a heavy blow.
I realize I must have scared her.
I add, "I promise I'm here to help! Keep talking to me."
Still no sound. I stop moving and listen.
Drip-drip. Drip-drip.
Then, "Who are you?"
Without thinking, I blurt out, "I'm you."
and realize in that instant, it's the truth.

Another excruciating silence.
"Oh. I don't want your help."

"What?!? Why not?" I ask.

"Because you're the one who put me here."
That statement takes the wind out of me.

To be continued...

A Way Out (part 1)

I close my eyes and sense a pitch black room...
or prison chamber.
Pressing my palms against the cold stone walls,
I feel my way through the dark
hoping to lay my hands on a door knob.

I feel the creases between the stones;
in some places the mortar is cracked and crumbling,
but otherwise, the wall is solid.
In a short while, I have circled the room,
its circumference is only a few paces;
no more than ten.
I make my way around a few more times,
varying how high I place my hands.
It comes to nothing.

The only other way out that comes to mind
is through the floor.
Kneeling carefully, I blindly continue my search
with my fingers meticulously feeling out every inch.
At long last I feel a small crevice
and gently glide my finger along it;
it turns a corner, then another one.
Using my left hand,
I begin hunting for the metal ring typically found on trap doors.

Aha!
Found it at last.
Still grasping the ring,
now with both hands,
I gradually climb to my feet and pull up hard.
It's unusually heavy.
I return to my knees, relax, and try again
with more muscle, more might.
Ever so slowly, the trap door begins to move.
When I get it high enough,
I give it a final massive shove
and it clatters satisfyingly against the dusty floor.

Looking down, I still can't see.
But I hear the unmistakable
echoing sound of water drip dripping
to a shallow pool below.
Sitting down with my feet in the hole,
I briefly search for a ladder of some kind
below the lip of the trap door.
I am not surprised when I don't find one.
Resigned to an unpredictable jump,
I grab onto the edge, let my feet dangle a bit
and then, with a prayer, release my grip.
While weightless in the air,
I draw my knees up just a little,
to spare them from the jolting impact.
I land in a crouch with a splash.

Hoping to see some sign of light,
I pause, staring into the blackness.
Nothing.
But I hear something new.
A strained, distant voice;
the voice of a child. 

As I Am In Light

I used to think I was the darkness that surrounded me:
      Let me see myself as I am in light.
      Let me know myself as I am in light.
      Let me see myself as I am in light.
      Let me know myself as I am in light.

I used to think I was the shadows of hate that surrounded me:
      Let me see myself as I am in love.
      Let me know myself as I am in love.
      Let me see myself as I am in love.
      Let me know myself as I am in love.

Let me see myself as I am in grace.
Let me know myself as I am in grace.
Let me see myself as I am in grace.
Let me know myself as I am in grace.

My past taught me I was insignificant,
but now I know, in truth, that I am sacred.
My past taught me I was a burden,
but now I know, in truth, that many enjoy my company.
My past taught me I was unlovable,
but now I know, in truth, I am deeply cherished by others.
My past taught me I was a powerless victim,
but now I have tasted the true essence of my courage and power.
My past taught me I was always going to return to a place of suffering,
but now I can see, that in truth, I am divinely protected. 

Possible Opening for Chapter 1

    My siblings and I come from a long line of traumatized survivors and my own story begins properly just before 1 A.M., June 8th, 1992; it had been hours after my mother's water broke when I finally decided I was done loitering in the relative safety of the womb. (Granted I still arrived a month early.) Despite the neglect and abuse we lived with, we still loved our biological parents. As many survivors know it is possible to love AND fear people...the trick here is that we begin to hate ourselves and believe they are only mistreating because we must be truly terrible beings. We begin to believe there must be something innately wrong or malevolent in us that needs to be beaten out of us.  So we say to ourselves, "they are only doing what they have to".
    The entire first 6 years of my life has successfully been suppressed from my memory (and I thank my angels for that) aside from 6 or 7 revealing snippets; and of those only 4 have to do with my biological parents, the others are from foster care. One of them made the level of neglect clear; it took me repeated attempts to wake my mother before she would finally gather the gumption to get me a Pop Tart for breakfast since they were placed too high for a 2 year old to reach. One showed that my father had no compunctions about beating us with his belt for something as sinister as laughter. Another one revealed that my mother had moments when she truly tried her best to make me happy and the last one makes it clear to me that corporeal punishment does not improve a child's behavior, for I practically said "come and get me" once and ran about the apartment.
    One particular memory of foster care is pretty curious. I recall what must have been my first night in foster care. I was alone in a great big bed (for a two year old) and felt like there was some part of me watching myself and I had this thought of "look how small I look in this bed". There was immense anxiety in that moment, but I would have looked calm from an outsider's perspective. For that first night, I went to my foster sister's room and asked if I could stay in her bed with her.

*I did some muscle testing to find out how long I waited between each attempt & to figure out how many times I had to try.

Chasing the Setting Sun

I have spent my life chasing the setting sun;
I had felt unnerved as I watched it dip below the horizon,
And thought I had to dash after it.
I had believed it was leaving me behind.
And in a way, it did just that;
For darkness enveloped me
As I ran desperately toward the receding rays.

Alarmed and dismayed, I sat...
Or maybe crumpled in a heap on the ground,
And began to weep.
Why had the sun forsaken me?
Why did the sun take its comforting warmth from me?
How could I get it back? For I needed all it provided.

When I at last ran out of tears, I looked about
And saw a few pinpricks of light in the sky
And wondered what they could be.
I didn't know heavy storm clouds were blotting out
Even more of them.
Still feeling left alone in the dark,
A torrential rain began to fall
Buffeting harshly against my bare skin.

Resigned to the deluge, I continued my peculiar search for the sun.
How could something so big and bright hide from sight?
Had I been able to see, I would have noticed
Many other souls questing for the sun,
But as it was, I was certain of my lonesomeness.

Then there was a moment
When the rain stopped,
The clouds drew away,
And I suddenly saw the beauty and grace
Of the unobscured night sky.
It was then that I learned
That even the darkness
Holds enough light to see by.

It was then that I began to see
The lost souls around me.
Some could see the stars,
But many still walked with hunched shoulders
As if the storm was still raging
And perhaps, for them, it was.

Of those who could see the stars,
There were some who were now content with the night
And others who still yearned for the warm embrace of the sun.
Being curious about the pinpricks of light,
I began to study them.
Had they been there through the rain?
Or had they moved in as the clouds moved out?

Remembering that I had seen a few just before the downpour,
I decided they had always been there.
That was encouraging;
Perhaps the sun was still out there somewhere.
If millions of stars can hide behind clouds,
Then surely the sun has a place to hide.

With that thought, I continued wandering.
When my weary feet began to blister,
I sat down once again.
I thought to myself,
'I'm going about this all wrong'.
Resting a while, my delirious mind began to wander.
What if the sun won't rise until we realize we ARE the sun?
What if we came into the world forgetting our true nature?
And what if, in many cases,
Our souls feel utterly trapped in formidable darkness and ceaseless storms?
With my eyes closed,
I turned inward and allowed the sun to rise in me.

When we are surrounded by storms,
it is easy for us to forget we are like the sun and the stars,
always shining just beyond the intangible, vaporous clouds.

Author's note: the cessation of the rain represents my adoption.

Good Omens

    Well this morning started like many others...I was briefly overwhelmed again and asked the universe to give me an unquestionable sign that everything was going to work out perfectly and I got signs all afternoon. Right before I left this afternoon, I had someone contact me about an item I posted on marketplace. He was interested in buying and was willing to get it today. So I grabbed the item and put it in my car before taking off. Then, in the first mile of my drive to Silver Spring from my grandfather's house I saw 2 fawns and then a blue heron flying over-head.
    The exchange went really well despite some reservations. I was worried they'd think I had overpriced it. (But I figured I was selling the case as well as the item stored in it.) Anyway, I put that money and the bit I made on Friday with gardening into the bank. I just put up another item for sale this evening.
    The last major sign was that a message I had received in yesterday's Reiki was reaffirmed. I was told that I was seen as a kite, then as a bird, then as the wind itself (if I remember that last bit correctly). While going on a spontaneous run, I happened to decide as I was passing a road leading to Nolte Park, to turn onto that road and run barefoot in the grassy park. Well, while I was there I saw a family flying a kite across the athletic fields. When I got closer, I saw the kite was decorated to be a bird. You can't get much more clear than that universe. Thank you for reassuring my ego today. I know it needs assurance quite often, but I know that you understand why, so thank you for all the good omens today.

I Am But One

Dear Mother, Father, God, Great Spirit, Our Creator,
I allow You to bless the world through me.
Dear all knowing, all powerful Universe,
I allow You to bless the world through me.
Dear angels, guides and ancestors,
I allow You to bless the world through me.
For this has always been Your plan.
I may be but one solitary vessel,
but that does not mean
I don't have an integral part to play.
Dear Mother, Father, God,
I surrender to Our plan.
I acknowledge myself to be a collaborator with You.

Dear God, I understand now
that I have carried the burdens of the world
so that I could one day unburden the burdened world.
Dear God, I understand now
that I have been led to feel imprisoned by the world
so that I could help free the world from its illusory prisons.
Dear God, I understand now
that I have carried these deep wounds
so that I can apply what I have learned from them in aiding others.
Dear God, I understand now
that I have had to feel my way through the darkness
in order be able to acknowledge the light within and set it free.
For this had been Our plan all along, God.

I may be but one solitary vessel,
but that does not diminish my significance.
I may be but one solitary vessel,
but that does not mean I am expendable.
I may be but one solitary vessel,
but that does not diminish my importance.

After believing my smallness
made me unneeded and unwanted,
unseen and unheard,
I now know that I am to give a voice to the voiceless
and to teach those who feel disempowered
to own their power.

Nothing Much To Say

    You would think that with everything going on right now, I'd have something to write about, but my mind is still just oscillating between care-free bliss and "Oh my God, I can't believe I said yes to this; what was I thinking?" That's not to say I'm not stoked about the trip, but I am back to doing barely enough around the house to set it up... Although we are still putting things aside to donate, most of what I have left to do is to pack out the small things I want from the house and make sure none of my own things are left behind. So basically, I'm pretty much in the same boat as last week. We shall see what magic the universe does.

Middle of the Night Prayers

    I got a sign from spirit to send a certain email I had drawn up earlier in the day on the 7th of this month (a project I hope to monetize), so I accepted the signs, made a few minor tweaks and sent it. Well, now it is the 13th and I haven't heard anything back so, of course, my ego is beginning to panic. The longer I wait for this email the more license my ego has to say "See, I told you so." I'm beginning to wonder why, if my ego was still saying 'no', spirit directed me to send the email. I feel I need to know these things in order to allow spirit, to allow my higher self to take the reins. What can you tell me, God, that would calm my panicked ego?

Dear Mother, Father, God,
please allow me heal my ego's 'no'.
Dear Mother, Father, God,
please allow me to pull the chord
for the parachute You have promised
because all I see
is the ground rushing up at me.

My ego is scared, Mother, Father, God.
So dear God, I let You in and ask You to please
heal the part of me that doesn't feel taken care of.
Please heal the part of my ego
that doesn't believe You will ALWAYS take care of me.

Mother, Father, God, I let You in
I let You into this part of me that is terrified, mortified of this decision.
Dear Mother, Father, God, please,
I let You into the part of me that says 'no, it's impossible'.
So please, dear God, take this 'no' from me now.
Please take my ego's hand and guide it to the parachute's chord.
Show my ego how to release its needs to You.
Take my ego by the the hand, Mother, Father, God,
as it crosses this new threshold of faith.
Guide my ego back to my higher self.
Please, dear God, assure my ego that I am provided for.
Please, dear God, heal this part of me
that believes I am not taken care of,
that believes I will always return to a place of suffering.

Mother, Father, God, I ask this of You from the bottom of my heart.
Please give my ego the healing it needs to say 'yes'
and the signs it needs to believe in this parachute,
that you didn't give me one with holes.

God, I let You in. God I let You in. God, I let You in.
God, I let You in to this part of me stuck in disbelief.
Take my ego's hand, dear God,
take my inner child's hand, dear God,
for that has always been where my 'no's' reside.
Take their hand and show them the parachute
my soul knows You have promised me.
Thank You, God. Thank You God. Thank You God.
Let this be so, and so it is.

The longer my ego stays in charge the more it can prove You wrong God, so please I ask You for swift laser healing of the disbelieving ego. I let You into that part of me. I let Your Grace reach that part of me, to lift it, and support it. I envision You God, teaching my ego how to trust the support of the universe. I envision You God, teaching this part of me how to float effortlessly on the water. Your Grace is like the father's hand supporting the child's spine that would bend preventing her from effectively floating. I picture this in my mind's eye, You teaching me to float by placing Your healing Grace under the part of me that thinks I can't float and bends to prove it. Thank You, God. Thank You, God. Thank You, God.

Still Thriving

Today I say that I know myself
to be mightier than the fire I have walked through.
I know this because I am still standing,
I am still living, still thriving.
Not one part of my past
has conquered me while I yet live,
of this I am sure.

In the last few weeks
I have rendered the flames harmless.
Yes, they altered my psyche
and the way I have perceived the world;
yes, they certainly left their mark,
but now I see these scars as things I shall repurpose.
My scars will be used to ensure
that no one else has to bear them,
or at the very least,
no one else will have to wait
for an endless amount of time
before finding
some
small
morsel
of hope to cling to.

Trauma and tragedy are certainly hard on the human spirit
and yet nearly unavoidable on this planet,
but it is the hopelessness that isolates
and overwhelms us afterward
that can have the power to drown us...
unless we have people to reach out to
who can help keep us afloat
when we are too weary to swim,
when we start to think
that living is a waste of time.

It is by banding together
that we can become stronger than the flames that would burn us.
It is by banding together
that we can become mightier than the sword that would slay us.
It is by banding together
that we can overcome all trauma, tragedy, and heartbreak.
Alone we would surely drown in our sorrow,
but together we shall rise triumphant.
Alone we would surely drown,
but together we shall walk on water.

    It took the continual and continued support of my community for me to make the strides I have made over the years and I hope to help create a world-wide community for those who still feel utterly and profoundly alone in their misery.

Celebrating Manifestation

        One other key thing that came up for me to practice this week is to celebrate all the things I did manifest already and the more I embrace the celebratory mood, the more blessings will come my way as I head across the country in August. I have manifested a very reasonable gardening job, I have manifested this trip and house sitting at the end of it. I have manifested a reasonably priced storage facility for my stuff and moved most of it in in just a couple trips. And if I were to look further back, I was able to manifest a couple huge trips with minimal preparation and they turned out amazing. Within 3 years, I had 14 months of travel under my belt. More recently, I also allowed myself to align with the universe and met a couple who can help me on two fronts. One of them is a journalist and he can provide me with a source for free publicity, and the other works at the University of Maryland and can connect me with the professors there who might be interested in what I want to research and study. She mentioned I could apply for a fellowship/assistanceship and that they do have study abroad programs. So even though these things would be considered tendrils, or stepping stones, they would give me a chance to reach the place I want to be. So I am taking this moment to celebrate all the positive things, big and small, I have orchestrated so far.

Do Not Try, Allow

Guidance received during tonight's meditation:

When you are trying,
you are in your ego consciousness.
When you are allowing,
you are in the consciousness of your higher self.

Do not try to align for God's will for you,
allow yourself to align for God's will for you.
Do not try to empty your mind,
allow all your ego's thoughts to drift down,
to settle down,
just as the silt in disturbed water
will gradually settle back to the bottom
of the stream, or lake, or pond.
Do not try to finish your healing journey,
allow your journey to take place
without any regard whatsoever for your finish-line.
For technically, the finish-line you seek here
will be the death of the body.
Do not try, allow.  

Allow your soul to direct you
and you will not be lead astray.
When you find yourself straining,
return to the state of allowance,
let the silt settle.

This is clearly reminiscent of Yoda's statement--"Do or do not. There is no try." When you acknowledge that you can call upon the power of God, this statement becomes an obvious truth

Going West

    So, I left out a piece of good news in my previous post. I have a bit of delayed gratification in terms of a trip out west. I needed this because I don't think I could have summoned the energy to get this house ready to be sold. Since I really do not want to let go of my grandfather's house, it has been hard for me to summon the will-power/energy to get anything done that would help with this endeavor.
Although I'm ecstatic about the trip, the complicated bit is that I said yes to it thanks to both a dream followed by a moment of intuition (during meditation)...so how I will then afford a down payment on an apartment after this is a whole other question.
    That said, I do have an idea for making money...it just isn't an avenue that guarantees a steady flow so it would definitely be a leap and an act of faith. Hopefully I have a compelling enough story and voice to eventually turn a profit while helping the countless others who struggle with many of the things I have had to deal with.
    I share, and will continue to share my story, to try to give people a sense of hope as well as assurance that they are not alone in the ways in which they suffer. I want them to know that I am right there with them, toiling through the same B.S. and hoping that one day I will wake up and realize that none of the past has snuck into my day through a trigger or an unbidden thought in ages. Even when the thought comes to mind, it doesn't shake me. The only trouble I face now is that a part of my consciousness believes that the trauma could occur again, which is why I find it so easy to believe that certain compliments from men are proof that those men objectify women. And maybe I'm not too far off base on that assumption... I don't have the mental energy to explain this at the moment.

The Roller-Coaster Ride Continues

"You can't wait until life isn't hard anymore before you decide to be happy." --Nightbirde
Words to live by.

    So time got away from me again, but I'm back. The roller coaster ride continues dragging me up and down and all around. On the one hand, I'm happy about a few things. I've gotten a freelance gardening job and although it's only 2 days a week at the moment, if I stay on for this whole month, the 8 days I work will give me more pay than 2 whole weeks at Panera and I am only working 5 hours each time. And needless to say, I'm still pretty ecstatic that I got to be worship leader for my chapel. I also got a surprising amount of work done given that I spent 40 minutes crying late last night and then started crying again while cooking my breakfast this morning at 5:00...yep, another long night of insomnia and weird dreams...I think there were zombies closing in one me in one of them but they looked pretty normal for zombies. But again, I got a fair list of things done today (and sang to music during most of the chores). First I put 15 + boxes out for Green Drop. Then I went around the house and scrubbed the walls with a Magic Eraser, scrubbed the iron out of the tub with the same, polished silver (silver-plate), sorted through my stuff again, tossing some of it, placing other bits in bins for storage. Then I gathered the sticks and branches in the woods behind the house, went for a 1 & 1/4 mile run.
    One crazy part of the last few days is that someone from high school unfriended me and blocked me on messenger because he not only couldn't wrap his head around the fact that I got triggered by his compliments, but because I tried to explain why it is still a trigger despite the fact that I've had years of therapy and have actually made quite a bit of progress. He did not want to own up to his words or see himself as the bad guy. Not that I was saying that to him, but when you can't handle a compliment, some arrogant men think you're too sensitive. He said things like "I think what I said was fairly harmless flirting. Have you talked to a therapist at all now that you are older? Not sure what's the healthiest options for you to have a better life." And he even claimed that I'd "get a better idea" of what he's saying if we were talking in person.
    Nope. Nope. Nope. That is not the problem. I hate those kinds of compliments in person as well as via text and messenger. As someone who has never been comfortable in my own skin, I can't abide by hetero men telling me I have a great figure, especially when the single out the chest or the rear. I happen to know that and hate the fact. I know that by society's standards, I have the perfect shape, but I have never felt safe knowing that men find me attractive; hence, the baggy clothes I wore all my teenage and early adult life...even while in denial. Those compliments feel demeaning and objectifying; like they want the package but not the person who happens to walk around with it. If all you want to talk about is my figure, go find another slender, curvy woman. I need to know that the man complimenting me values me as a whole person.
    They could compliment my muscle tone or my intellect, they could compliment my writing or an obnoxiously loud belch that I tend to shake the house with in the morning after inhaling my breakfast by accident for the umpteenth time.  Just not the body parts I frequently wish I didn't have. It's that very unsettled feeling that led me to consider myself non-binary/gender-fluid. I don't particularly want to be either gender.
    So with all that freshly uncovered as a still very prevalent trigger, I got an email just after that whole show down asking me if I am still interested in getting a free session of Rapid Release therapy (offered only to people with my history of trauma). The catch here is that the session will be taped or filmed, and will be used for this Dr.'s students. It might even be done in front of one of his classes. I said yes even though my insides were knotting up just thinking about it and filled in the two forms. And that email coupled with the former friend issue caused the emotional release to be needed last night and this morning.

Divine Recalibration/Surrendering the Ego

To all the parts of my consciousness that never wanted to be me, why do you stake a claim in the realm of self-hatred when you can choose self-love?
Surrender your self-hatred to Me.

To all the parts of my consciousness that never wanted to be me, what has your habit of self-debasement earned you apart from pain, suffering, struggle, and lack?
Surrender your habit of self-debasement to Me. 

To all the parts of my consciousness that never wanted to be me, don't you realize that you are not, nor have you ever been your story; you are not, nor have you ever been your body; you are not, nor have you ever been your ego? Don't you know that you have only ever been the witness of the unfolding of your life? Your soul is experiencing a physical presence, a physical reality through an ephemeral body; you are the viewer of a multi-dimensional movie that you are simultaneously directing.

To all the parts of my consciousness that never wanted to be me, rejoice in the fact that your discomfort has been with your false ego self anyway.
Surrender your false identity, the one you loathed all this time, to Me, and be relieved that your are not now nor have ever been the person you wished you weren't. How great is it that all of that self-hatred has been toward a version of you that is not real anyway?
Surrender your ego and its need for the validation of pain to Me, and return home to your God-self. She has been waiting patiently for you to see, feel, and know her presence. How do you feel knowing that the version of you you had wished you weren't isn't you? Do you feel the release, the sense of surrender? With this acknowledgement of the truth, you are now experiencing the truth, are you not? Be sure to rejoice in this moment of divine recalibration. 

The Inner Child and Pain

6/28/2021
    My inner child has been resistant to the healing process I have been in engaged in lately. She views my current beliefs as lies that I am leaning on to comfort myself. For her, pain has been her eternal truth and oddly, also a comfort. It had seemed that anguish was the only constant and therefore the only thing she could rely upon. Pain was her whole world and she embraced it as some sort of token. I know this because when I broke my ankle last year, the agony of that injury was NOT by primary source of distress. Indeed, later, I would use my physical therapy stretches to purposely induce pain when I felt emotionally distressed. It had become a desirable companion for my inner child and thus for me. Physical and emotional agony became a way for me to feel alive and I still seek out pain. My insatiable desire to test my physical limits stems, in part, from my willingness to experience extreme discomfort.
    And yet, as crazy as my inner child sounds, I have come to understand this absurd obsession. The truth of the matter is that the only way for her to survive in her environment was to find a way to embrace the pain, to find a way to love the world she found herself in. But unfortunately, when she did this, it was the ego self that embraced it, claiming she deserved every moment of suffering. So while my inner child continued to believe this, I continued to have the world mirror that belief back to me, over and over and over again.
    This does not mean that I never experienced moments of pure, unadulterated bliss and joy, it just means that when I did experience anguish, I would think "It's ok. Let me have it. I can handle this. I can accept the punishment I deserve."

Awakening From the Dream of Abuse

From the book and the chapter called 'Love Without Conditions':
"...if the soul awakens to the truth that its worth is not dependent on anything or anyone outside its mind or experience, it will establish itself  in the Source of Love and awaken from the dream of abuse. 
"Awakening from the dream of abuse means rejecting the illusion that you are not lovable as you are."
    This is the excerpt I want to attempt to expound upon today because this is a very important transformation for us to strive for in our lives. When you carry with you memories of abuse or of being shunned by your peers for being different, you start to believe, as I put it, that if no one outside of you can see your worth, then maybe it isn't there.
    Since my adoptive parents became the exception to the rule that I was too strange to receive love from others, this is the false belief I had internalized. Letting this false belief go after years of internalizing other people's view of you is not easy. Repeated exposure to mistreatment creates multiple layers of rock hard doubt since you begin to wonder, "if I have worth then why did so-and-so do x to me?" or "If I have worth, why did this happen?"
    For me it meant that I started doubting that I had anything of value to offer, partly because I began to believe that everyone found me annoying.  So how do we turn the rock of doubt into sand and let the wind take it away? As with every ingrained thought pattern, we must begin by identifying all of those events and circumstances that made us feel less than and send each one love and compassion. Be sure to give each version of you loving compassion as well, even for your own mistakes.
    In time, you will eventually feel ready to extend your love, compassion, and eventually forgiveness, to the people who mistreated you. Start with the smaller transgressions before attempting to do this with traumatic events. The key to handling the big stuff is to remember that nothing anyone does to you lessens your worthiness/deservingness and to try to view the person who harmed you as a wounded child who feels abandoned by love. Know that when people are taught that they are better than others, they will feel they have the right (and even a need) to demonstrate their power over some subgroup. This is because they believe if they don't prove themselves to be the shark, they will be the minnow, they will be preyed upon.    

Addressing the Inner Child

    As expressed in an earlier post, I truly feel as though I have mostly gotten over the events of the past. And while that is still true, it is also true that my inner child has not done so. Sadly, I admit that whenever the past came to the forefront of my mind, instead of seeing it as my inner child calling for healing and comfort from me, I responded with proclamations of apathy towards the event, thinking to myself, 'It's fine. I'm over it.'
    What I had failed to recognize is that the key difference between her healing process and mine is that mine is not hindered by explicit memories of the traumas. It is easy for me to find comfort in the idea that I, as a soul, chose this life; in the idea that my father was/is simply a deeply wounded and lost soul when I have no recollection of the pain and the terror. I may have dug up some nitty gritty details about the event, but having that knowledge is not even close to the same thing as carrying vivid memories of the experience.
    This means that she still does not trust God, she does not trust the world, and she does not yet trust herself. And while that mistrust exists in my inner child, it remains in my consciousness as well. This mistrust is what has allowed my circumstances to paralyze me; I am convinced that no matter what course of action I might choose, I will make the "wrong" choice or that there will be some trap laid for me behind every door.
    With that all said, here's something I wrote to address the wounded child within:
I am sorry I keep abandoning you. I promise to pay closer attention to your needs. I shall listen for you daily and send all the love and comfort I can to you. I will no longer presume we are both over it. I will no longer pretend that this was some small hurdle to get over. You have every right to be hung up on this terrible event. Come to me and rest your head on my shoulder; you may cry if you must.
    Let me hold you in my arms. Let me show you what safety feels like for that is the new truth for us to know. Let me tell you a story about how far we have come, about how much of the world we have seen. We have surprised people with our tenacity and perseverance. We have comforted people with our words and our presence. We became friends to those whom most needed a friend. It is because of you that I know myself to be strong and courageous. You are not weak for reliving this; you are not weak for weeping over this. It's truly a tragedy we experienced.
    But know that God is lifting the trauma from us. The healing grace of God is rewriting our DNA. Maybe one day you won't feel that this is too little, too late. Every moment we suffered has a divine purpose. We are not the martyr here, nor the victim. Please join me on my journey to discover the true, divinely powerful essence of our soul. Just last week, I briefly felt its expansiveness and its ancient knowledge. I knew and felt its eternal life in me.

Learning To Listen

Excerpts from the chapter "Learning to Listen" in  Love Without Conditions:

'Learn to be present with your experience. I'm not saying "try to figure it out". '"Being with" is not an analytical activity. Indeed, recognize that you cannot figure your experience out. You can either be with it or intellectualize it, which of course is an escape.'

'There are times when external reality simply closes down around you and the only appropriate place to go is within.'

'When you refuse to take time to be with your experience it seems as though you are a victim of what happens in your life. That is a great self-deception.'

'The truth is that life is neither blessing you nor punishing you. It is working with you to help you awaken to the truth of who you are. It (life) is giving you constant feedback and correction but you do not choose to listen.'

Questions to consider from the reading:
'Why am I going through this transition time?'
'Is there something in my focus that needs to change?'
Answers: I am going through this transition time to unlearn the belief that I do not belong anywhere. My early life experiences led me to believe that I was unwanted, that I did not belong anywhere, that I would always be shunted to the side, shunned, ostracized. And so the world has often reflected that false belief back to me. This is the time to rewrite the script; to choose God's truth of who I am and whose I am instead of the ideas of my miseducation.

I need to focus on all the ways in which God has proven this belief to be false. I need to stop judging myself for my seeming inability to move forward in life. I need to instead focus on all the ways I have helped people and all the ways people have helped me. I need to express gratitude for the experiences God has given me that prove my ego wrong.

God's Gifts To Me; Love Without Conditions

    This year for my birthday, my mom gave me a book called Love Without Conditions and told me I should just open it up at random and read whatever chapter I land on. So I did that once last night and again this morning. This morning, the two most important excerpts that popped out at me were the following (TW: the 1st excerpt mentions r*pe): 

"Everything in your experience can be endowed with spiritual qualities by bringing                 your love, acceptance, or forgiveness to it. Even a terminal illness, a rape, or a                         murder can be transformed by the power of your love."

"The one who trespasses on you is just a reflection of your own lack of self worth. You created his presence in your mirror. Stand up, confess your hatred for yourself and let that other person go."

    The author also brings up key questions to ask in order to find the true reason why certain things occurred in our lives: How does this situation help me learn to love more fully? What does it ask me to give that I am still withholding?
I want you to read everything below through the lens of the following sentiment (from a previous post of mine) that I plan to hold close to my heart every day: "If my own deep wounds are what enable me to heal others more deeply, then it is my privilege to carry these wounds."

My thoughts: While I firmly believe everything written above, I also believe that in the case of children who suffer at the hands of their parents, what occurs is as a result of our souls having chosen those circumstances. Perhaps my soul also carried the miseducation of self-loathing from other lifetimes. Either way, those circumstances certainly reinforced in our minds, the idea that we were unlovable leading my siblings and me to experience a fairly severe and chronic level of self-hatred which means we likely all frequently encountered people who tested our willingness to forgive.
    But I am open to seeing the whole of my past as God's gifts to me. I am open to learning how to love, accept, and forgive every painful chapter of my story. These events taught me that I have been withholding love from myself. These events taught me that the only worthwhile way out of despair is through, for that is how we harness our power. This book has taught me that the pain I have felt in my heart was the result of me feeling separated from God and His love due to my belief that I was clearly unlovable.
    TW: Believe it or not, my primary struggle is not centered around forgiving the trauma my father caused me, but around forgiving the Department of Social Services who failed to see how dangerous it was for us to be left in the care of our biological parents. Even after my sister's twin passed away (under suspicious circumstances) and after the tragedy of my rape, DSS decided to occasionally bring us back to our biological parents while we were in foster care...
    And this leads me nicely to what came up to be released last night. I had held the belief that the world (or God) would always send me back to a place of suffering. I didn't realize I believed this because I am capable of fully leaning into experiences of profound joy and frequently believe that I must have reached the final peak, that from here on out I will always be happy*...of course, those moments, even when they last for days, come to an end and I find myself back in a valley with my sight obscured once more. Sometimes in the valley, I find myself wondering "why would anyone love me? (A thought that stemmed from the belief that if my own biological parents couldn't love me, no one could.) I'm too strange, weird, crazy, and eccentric to be loved."
    Other times I suddenly feel irrevocably dirty. I've done both a Tough Mudder and the Appalachian Trail, where I averaged a shower or two per week, but those didn't make me feel as filthy as the knowledge of the sexual assault I survived. I compare it to feeling like a tissue that's been sneezed in that no one dares to touch. People aren't lying when they say that their experience of SA made them feel like trash.
    Rest assured, I have successfully traversed each of these valleys and will always do so. I am here as both the student of my own life and as the teacher; as the answers come to me regarding my own fears and concerns, I share them with others. Granted, I often feel that I am failing the very course I claim to teach, but I strive to walk the walk, I strive to reach a place of absolute acceptance and forgiveness and to help others figure it out as I make my way. 

* My claim here is not that I will never feel sorrow again, but that I feel certain that I am completely over the pain of the past & am ready to move forward. 

Each Moment is a Stepping Stone

We must be careful not to judge the moment.
For each moment is a stepping stone
leading us to God.

If we begin to judge the moment
we will simply prolong the suffering of it;
We will simply stay on a stone
in the middle of the river
all because we believe
there are no more stones to follow.

The stepping stone you are on
may feel precarious and unstable,
and the next one may seem too far away,
but when you reach a place of equanimity,
both problems shall be resolved.

If your life looks anything like mine,
you'd say it seems quite messy,
you'd say that it contains
an absurd amount of chaos
and unsettling entropy.
So I know how hard it is
not to fall to your knees and
throw your hands up in despair.
I know how hard it is
not to judge the cards life dealt you.

But we mustn't judge the moments,
no matter what they hold.
For they are merely stepping stones,
bringing us to God.

Some Magic is Afoot

There's some magic afoot.
I can't tell you how I know this,
I just feel it in the air I breathe
and sense it brushing against my skin.
The summer solstice has arrived
and with it eager spirits
hoping to lend us a helping hand.
They wish to remind us
just what we're here to do.
And if you close your eyes and listen
you might hear them whisper in your ear,
    'You have so much more potential
    than you ever dared to dream.
    Don't forget, you're ancient souls
    just like us...
    so you don't have to live within
    the restrictions of your human world.
    Step outside your realm a while
    and feel the magic in your soul.'
Another says,
    'Feel your soul expand,
    the boundaries of  your mind,
    filling it with the wisdom of lifetimes.
    When you allow this to happen,
    you will have uncovered your true divinity,
    your true identity'
Taking their advice to heart,
I give my soul permission to lead the way.
The last thing I hear
is that there is always magic in the air
for our souls are always here.

A Conversation With God cont.

The conversation continues:

You keep claiming I am here to do big things, but how can someone as insignificant and broken as me be capable of such greatness? Haven't you seen how meaningless my life looks to me? Why should I believe that someone like me could bring such change?

My dear child, you have simply forgotten your true identity, your significance. You have never been broken. No child of mine is. Blind and forgetful, yes. But never broken. Your life may look meaningless and messy, but the fact remains that ONLY someone like you can bring this change. Your experience of absolute powerlessness gave you the knowledge you needed to rediscover your power. Those events GAVE you the power to reshape the world for mankind, one ripple at a time. More people will be inclined to follow one who has intimate knowledge of darkness and despair and who has conquered the darkness and despair in their own life. Don't underestimate the power you have gained by overcoming tragedy.

But what makes me any more (or less) remarkable than other survivors? Can't anyone else equally qualify? I may think big and dream big, but I rarely believe that I'll be the one to do it.

My dear child, the significance lies in both your soul and your human experience. Only you are capable of making these changes. People will be and are receptive to your soul and your history. Your must do your best to remember yourself. I will be here to remind you until you can remember on your own. 

A Conversation With God

    Last Thursday, I took part in a group meditation in which we all imagined our inner child having a conversation with God. While we were descending into the meditative state, I showed my inner child all the amazing moments in my life in which I met wonderful people who supported me through my various adventures. I showed her every instance I could remember in which I said 'yes' to the world and the world said 'yes' to me. The latest event having happened June 13th this year; I was given the opportunity to be Worship Leader for my chapel and the feedback afterward was incredible. It was important to use these precious moments to remind her that she need not mistrust the world, herself, or God. Of course, she needed a lot more assurance, but I began the process of shifting her beliefs. But here is how it went.

Why should I trust you? All you've done is give me a life in which everything is taken from me. My power, my sleep, my comfort, my peace, my siblings...I could go on. And how were you there for me when I needed you most?

But I WAS there for you and with you the whole time. I could not intervene, for that lesson was your choice.

What kind of lesson could a 2 year old possibly learn from that kind of betrayal? And stop telling me it was my choice. SHOW me it was my choice. Because all I have are the memories stored in my human consciousness and not the soul's. So how can I possibly believe this?

Look again into your future, child. You will be able to see that this was indeed your choice when you use the lessons you learned through your pain to empower the disempowered.

But no one listens to me or sees me. No one sees what I have to offer through all my craziness.

That reality and belief in that reality is of the past, my child. What did you just witness June 13th, 2021? Isn't that proof enough that a brand new chapter has begun for you in which people see you and take what you have to offer seriously?

Yes, but they already know me. What about the world at large?

You were also shown the Appalachian Trail and the trip through Europe, were you not? Hitch-hiking through France? Trust me, dear child, you are ready and the world is ready for you. Just go out there and SHINE.

To be continued...

The Beauty of My Path

Looking back,
I don't know how I made it this far.
There were times I was ready to quit,
there were times when I dared God to take me out.
I wanted to leave my suffering behind
and felt the easiest way to do so
would be to leave the world behind.
Looking back,
I'm amazed at the terrain I have traversed.
I can see from here
that the valleys were so deep,
they never saw the sun.
I can see from here
that during much of my blind climb,
I was unwittingly close to a precipice.
Luckily, it was in those places,
I had a friend's hand to hold,
while God's hand was placed firmly
and lovingly behind my heart.
Due to all the darkness that overwhelmed my sight,
I never knew in all that time,
that I was moving forward.
Yet here I am standing in the light.
And from here I can see the beauty
in my often dark and windy path.

Where Our Honor Lies

I have chosen to believe that the depth of my wounds
show the depth of my strength and courage.
I have chosen to see the profound nature of my past suffering
as proof of my invulnerability and fearlessness.
I have chosen to believe that my trauma taught me
how to heal myself so that I may share my discoveries with others.

I have learned that trauma
is not supposed to become a badge of honor.
Honor does not emanate from our suffering
but from our healing.
When we choose to heal ourselves
instead of allowing our inner turmoil to ripple outward,
to be disseminated to other beings,
when we choose to seek forgiveness and acceptance
over self-righteous anger and blame,
then we will have honored ourselves, our history,
and honored God's plan for our salvation.
When we reach a place where we can view
our painful past with equanimity
and view ourselves with unconditional loving compassion,
that is where our honor lies.
For once we do this for ourselves,
it will become easier to see the world
through the lens of unconditional loving compassion
and therefore easier to forgive all transgressions
past, present, and to be.

What we learn from our past suffering
is meant to be our gift to the world.
Our choice to grow, to love, to live courageously
is our gift to the world.
Our choice to rise again and again in the face of hardships
is our gift to the world.
For these things give the world
reasons to be hopeful;
these things give all beings
reasons to believe in themselves when all seems lost;
these things give people the courage to persevere.

Divinely Qualified

This post was written to release the layers behind "I can't":

I claim 'I can't because I am not ready',
but what would happen if I were to lean on God between each step?
I claim 'I can't because I am unqualified',
but what if a lack of "qualifications"
doesn't make what I have to offer any less valuable?
And what if there are a vast number of people
who know this and are willing to help?
I claim 'I can't because I am undeserving,'
but what if I am still deluding myself
with the misperceptions of my peers in the past?
What if I let that go and let God's vision of me replace these illusions?
I claim 'I can't because people won't be able to see what I have to offer',
but what if I could see that God shall pave my way?

What if, in truth,
I am brilliant and powerful
and divinely qualified for God's vision for me?
What if I could see that truth?
What would I do with it?
What if, in truth,
I am full of compassion, wisdom, and grace?
What if those are my divine qualifications?
What if I could accept and trust these qualifications to carry me forward?
What would I do with them?
What if, in truth,
I am eternally loved, supported,
and guided by Mother, Father, God?
What if I could know that and feel it in my bones?
What would I do then?
Where would I go?
What if, in truth,
I already had everything I needed within me?
What if I could see and feel that with my whole being?
Who could stop me from fulfilling God's plan if I were to acknowledge these truths?

It's Hurts Too Much to Say Goodbye

It's no easy thing to let things go...
Especially when they're tied
to someone who has passed.
It feels like a second goodbye...
And I am still reeling from the first one;
I'm not ready to say it again.

The empty walls, the imprints in the carpets,
the yawning spaces between
what furniture is left,
all the emptiness casts echoes
through my freshly hollowed heart.
I cannot keep the grief at bay,
for I couldn't even say
goodbye from the start.

I was there, by his side the night he died.
But I could not bear to say it.
Instead, I simply said,
"It's ok. You may go if you must."
And now I must find a way
to be at peace
as I watch these precious items slip away.

Why do goodbyes wound the mortal heart?
Why must we shoulder grief as we bid farewell?
I know his soul is free at last,
so why does his freedom hurt me so?

All I can say is that it hurts too much to say goodbye,
but I wish you well, and I'm glad your soul can soar.