So after taking half a pill last night, things were a lot better. The painful side-effects were nil but the insomnia was still present. And the version of insomnia it has given me is that I am only able to sleep from around 10 p.m. to 2 a.m. After that my body seems to think it doesn't need any more. I even took a CBD gummy with melatonin, lemon balm, and magnolia in it and still not a wink was had after 2. But I feel awake and aware...not overly drowsy.
While lying awake this morning I had a realization. Technically it was one of those that I knew in parts and pieces, but now it was made much more whole and concrete. What I realized was that the primary reason I struggle with feeling deserving of good things is because my inner child still can't wrap her head around the idea that she did not deserve what had happened to her. She thinks that the abuse could not have occurred if she truly didn't deserve it. As I have mentioned before, Dr. Gabor Mate says that children blame themselves for the parental abuse they go through because the alternative would be to acknowledge that no matter how they changed themselves to please their parents, their parents would still be unable to love them. It would mean acknowledging that they would always be in danger. So a part of me still believes that the abuse occurred because I was somehow innately wrong, because I was somehow innately unacceptable. This is why when someone calls me out on making a mistake (usually a social error) my first response is to grab the switch that I imagine to be in their hand and whip myself with it saying "You're right. I'm a terrible person". Obviously, just because they call me out doesn't mean they want to punish me, but that is what I often perceive to be the case.
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