This afternoon I have begun to ponder the root cause of the hair pulling habit. It was our point of focus during my half hour therapy session today and I used the BLS (Bilateral Stimulation) while working on healing this issue. The first conclusion I came to is that this self-soothing habit is something I do in order to keep an extraordinary amount of suppressed rage bottled up. Specifically, all the rage aimed at my biological father that I continually fail to acknowledge. No matter how wild my discoveries are in terms of what he has done to me, the only anger and rage I ever acknowledge is directed toward all of the other adults who were around me at the time who failed to advocate for me and who failed to protect my siblings and me from our biological parents. Three of them knew what had happened to me and yet DSS would continue to send us back into the war-zone.
The question that followed this conclusion was "what belief or aspect of my consciousness has been the stronghold against this impotent rage?" The answer that came to the fore there is my belief that I deserved everything he did to me and the part of me that still carries a great deal of self-loathing. I have directed a great deal of anger towards myself and towards the people who failed to help me, but not towards the abuser. And yet I know there's a huge well of rage reserved just for him that I have failed to acknowledge and express. As twisted as this discovery sounds, it's a good step forward because I know where to go from here; I know what needs to be healed.
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