My exhaustion peaked today after sleeping 10-2 Tuesday and Wednesday night and 10-5 last night. Yes, I recognize that last night was 7 hours, but 7 hours doesn't help one fully recover from two nights of 4 hours followed by being awake 18 hours. So on the plus side, I managed one of my rare naps today. I haven't expressed it on this blog yet, but the reason sleep is often next to impossible for me, even during the day, is because the trauma my father put me through started while I was napping. So my body and mind are often working over-time to keep me safe simply by staying over-stimulated. Which means that when I am trying to fall asleep at night, my mind keeps me distracted with an endless train of useless thoughts.
The other thing I have been wanting to unpack is that while I wrote the other day that my father is in fact innocent because the good in my father never had a chance to be expressed, I recognized a place in which I was digging in my heels against the healing process. I realized as I wrapped up that blog post that I do not want my biological father to become a good person because I apparently fear that this would invalidate my trauma somehow or make my story less believable. I want others to see him as the villain that I knew him to be. It's also because I have deified the trauma. Now obviously, I don't want him to keep hurting and traumatizing others so I know it's a ridiculous standpoint.
With all that said, I relatively recently found out that there is no statute of limitations for what my father did to me and while I'm not entirely sure why this information was given to me, I will say that I do not want to take my biological father to court nor do I want to see him go to prison. Because I recognize that that would simply expose him to more trauma.
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