This evening I have been asking myself what my life would look like and what it would feel like if I were free. Free from the past, free from the intrusive thoughts, free from the effects of the trauma, free from it all. What would that look and feel like? I'd be free of self-judgment. I'd be free of self-contempt. I would be free of the painful cycles. I would be free to fall asleep with ease. I would be free of my fear of falling in love. (I don't fear a broken heart so much as falling for someone who is charming at first, then turns into a monster.) I would feel alive again. I would feel as though anything is possible. I would feel as though nothing could stop me. If I hadn't gone through trauma, this is what I imagine my life could have felt like. And it still can if I can just maintain faith in myself and in the transformation that could be possible if I were to allow it. As I wrote a couple years ago, I have the key to my own cell. Yes, my biological father built it an threw me in, but I always had the key to my own freedom. I don't have to be trapped in the cell anymore.
What would it feel like to be free?
I'd have no worries. I'd have no guilt.
What would it feel like to be free?
I'd have no fears. I'd have no doubts.
What would it be like to be free?
I'd feel loved. I'd feel safe.
What would it be like to be free?
I'd remember to feel the warmth of the sun
and trust the falling rain.
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