I want to mention something that some of you may already know. The wave of grief I experienced a while back that led to the post "In Ruins" may have passed, but all the realizations that came with it are still very much alive and well. I'm still struggling to see that God was ever there for me. I'm still struggling to believe that God loves me. I still feel as though there is no grand gesture big enough for me to trust God again. If you look at all the ways in which God's presence was evident throughout the last 24 years (since my siblings and my adoptions), you would think I would have been able to accept God's benevolence by now... But since my trauma lasted long enough to lead to a near death experience, perhaps many short journeys across the veil, it hasn't yet been enough to convince me.
The questions keep coming up. If God loves me, then why? If I am deserving of good, then why? If God was indeed there for me all along, then why? Why did I have to go through such a dehumanizing experience for so long? Yes, I have been aware of, and accepted the idea that I chose this life knowing what I'd likely have to face, but that hasn't been able to take the weight of these questions off my shoulders.
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