In Ruins

    What has come up for healing today is once again, my perception of God. I still perceive God the way I perceive my biological father. There is a part of me that still believes that God let my father traumatize me and is therefore just as guilty as my father...technically more so. Because my father only did what he did to me because he had been traumatized by his father and God let that happen too. So during tonight's group meditation, I started saying, "You ruined me. You ruined me." Hearing that God is giving me His healing grace now feels a lot like hearing someone claim that since your abuser got you roses and is acting sweet now, you should take him back. I know how twisted this sounds, but it is really hard to fully believe God is kind and benevolent when children are exposed to such trauma. I know that God gave us all free will, but that knowledge doesn't take away the pain of my past experiences and the way they have continued to affect me psychologically and physiologically. I do feel ruined. I do feel incapable of handling day to day life experiences. I do feel like I will always fall short because of my trauma.

I feel I have fallen into ruins.
I feel eroded by the eternal fallout of trauma.
I feel as though there is no getting better, only more tired.
Where was God when my father needed God?
Where was God when I needed Him?
With each passing hour,
my inner child felt more certain
that pain had come to stay
and that God had gone away.

I feel I have fallen into ruins.
I feel eroded by the tears I've shed.
I feel as though there is no end in sight.
Where was God? Where was He?
My inner child saw not a sign of Him.
I have tried to stay in the fight,
but all along I have prayed
to be taken by the night.

And yet the sun within me continues to burn,
continues to assert its dominion over the darkness.
No matter how weary, no matter how forsaken I feel,
the light within me demands to be seen.
I know not how to carry on,
only that I must...
even though I feel
I have fallen into ruins,
crumbled into dust.