My Faulty Foundation (Stream of Consciousness)

    Today I want to talk a little bit more about what I mean when I say I have a faulty/broken foundation. My core beliefs, the ones instilled in me by the trauma, have caused a great deal of self-hatred. They have caused me to feel unable to believe in and trust myself and others. I still get paralyzed by my mistakes and have trouble telling someone I've made a mistake because I feel, in my core, that I will be harshly reprimanded for every small thing. This has been very hard for me, because I make dozens of mistakes every day and criticize myself harshly for them. My foundation is faulty because it has caused me to believe that I must change everything about myself in order to be loved...that I have to be flawless in all ways in order to be loved. The faulty foundation consists of an inability to accept compliments and sometimes not even wanting the compliments to be true. When someone gives me an unexpected compliment my first reaction is to think, "let's agree to disagree" while some compliments have been known to trigger my body dysmorphia. Now just imagine trying to build a successful, happy life with these core beliefs still calling the shots about how you interact with the world. That is the challenge those of us who've experienced childhood trauma(s) face all day, every day. We feel trapped in our lives. We often feel trapped in our heads and we may even feel trapped in our bodies, wishing we could be anyone else.
    Just take a look at Erik Erikson's hierarchy of psychosocial development and you'll see how when the first stages of development are hindered severely by trauma, it sets us up for a much more challenging life as adults. That is why, at 30, I still have no coherence in my life. And I'm trying so hard not to judge myself for this, because given what I went through, I don't have a right to tell myself that I have fallen short. I have done all that I could possibly do with the cards I was dealt. How can one have enough faith to look for housing when they don't feel they belong anywhere? How can one apply for a job when they know they struggle so much with their mental health? How can one create a social life when they are so sure that the world is cruel? How do we build a life when we are so sure there isn't a point in trying? That every time we take a step, someone will knock us down? I got a job, and now I think that some small mistake will get me fired...how do I release the deep seated guilt enough to be honest about my mistakes without fear of severe reprimanding? Can you see the struggle we face? Can you understand why we can't move forward in our lives? We still perceive the world through the lens of our past pain and think everyone is against us.